From Chapter 9 Self-Created Suffering
I loved this chapter.
“All too often we perpetuate our own pain by replaying our hurts over and over again in our minds, magnifying our injustices in the process.” p. 150
“We also often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over reacting to minor thngs, and sometimes taking things too personally.” p. 152
Therapists call this personalizing our pain – the tendency to narrow our psychological field of vision by interpreting or misinterpreting everything that occurs in terms of its impact on us. p. 152
But it’s not fair! Many of our strongest negative feelings (suffering) comes from the feeling that something just isn’t fair. Cutler and the Dalai Lama discuss three views of resolving this. The first is the Buddhists’ perspective of Karma. Put simply, Karma explains why something happens to a person as a way to atone for past (this life or previous lives) actions so a Buddhist can see whatever is causing them pain as the result of this and better cope. Other types of believer’s, for example Christians, may choose to cope with suffering as a “part of God’s plan.” Finally, the non-believers can choose to look at a situation as objectively as possible and seek causes for the situation. Often, he states, we think of some particular situation as singly caused. For example the situation in Tibet could simply be blamed on the Chinese or the Gulf War on Saddam Hussein. However, most situations, even those far less complex are caused by multiple causes before that. Taking time to objectively assess a situation, examine the many causes that happened to create it can lessen the feeling of “unfairness”. And, taking it one step further, the Dalai Lama challenges us to examine OUR PART in the situation.
Regardless of your belief system – Buddhist, Christian, another religion or as a non-believer – one must recognize that we live in a material world. (By this I don’t mean materialistic as in I want new clothes and a new car every month. I mean we have material/physical bodies, we live in real houses on a real planet with real other physical entities – dogs, cats, stores people, grass, etc.) All of these things are impacted by cause and effect. And, rarely if ever is it a single cause producing a single effect. Some argue that our very existence in a situation alters the situation. Thus, the Dalai Lama’s challenge for us to examine our part / influence on a particular situation. I could go on and on here about cause and effect, multiple causes producing multiple effects but I’ll let you ponder the simple concept of essentially owning up to your part of a situation. That was very powerful for me. When we participate in any situation – we are a part of the outcome. OK, I had to come back to this after rereading because I missed something. We often wonder about another person’s motives for doing something. A motive is an effect of causes. So when we look at our own and others’ motives, we might want to think about “Gosh what caused him/her to be motived toward doing x, y, z?”
On Guilt/Regret. Yes, even the Dalai Lama has some regret about past situations. However, he maintains that while he still had some regret, he holds it at a distance and continues to do the best he can for others.
“Guilt arises when we convince ourselves that we’ve made an irreparable mistake. The torture of guilt is in thinking that any problem is permanent. Since there is nothing that doesn’t change, however, so too pain subsides – a problem doesn’t persist. This is the positive side of change. The negative side is that we resist change in nearly every arena of life. the beginning of being released from suffering is to investigate one of the primary causes: resistance to change.” p. 162-63
I think guilt and regret are two of the most powerful negative motivators for future actions. As a former Catholic, this has become a joke. One asks “Do you feel guilty about that?” The Catholic’s response “I’m Catholic.” AND, EVERYONE GETS IT.
But, I loved the idea of taking that guilt and moving it into a positive space for doing better in the future. Stop perpetuating the guilt with crappy behavior. Do good things and see how good it feels. Eventually, the suffering of guilt subsides (even if it doesn’t completely go away.)
The concept of impermanence…everything, literally everything, changes.
This section was perhaps the most impactful for me because so many times I’ve been told “People don’t change.” And that’s depressing for me. This section wasn’t really about this, it was more about accepting change. As in, many people RESIST change like aging, children growing up and fleeing the coup, friends moving, etc and in their resistance, they suffer.
I’m 61. I went through my biggest mental change sometime in my late 30’s – when I really needed to examine my life and behaviors. Since then I’ve changed daily. I’ve aged. I’ve learned. Unlike many, aging doesn’t bother me all that much. I tend to embrace the “wisdom that comes with age.” For me watching others resist change is more painful.
I started this book and this particular journey because I felt stuck – things seemed to be “staying the same.” BUT, they weren’t. They were changing. I just wasn’t paying attention. Now I am, and it feels better. Embrace change. Look for it. Relish in it. Make it happen.