Tag: Cutler

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 11

From Chapter 14 Dealing with Anxiety and Building Self-Esteem


“It is estimated that in the course of a lifetime at least one in four Americans will suffer from a debilitating degree of anxiety or worry severe enough to meet the criteria for the medical diagnosis of an anxiety disorder…but even those who never suffer from a pathological or disabling state of anxiety will, at one time or another, experience excessive levels of worry and anxiety that serve no useful purpose and do nothing but undermine their happiness and interfere with their happiness and interfere with their ability to accomplish their goals.” P. 263

Amen to that
The Dalai Lama’s answers to this.
“If the situation or problem is such that it can be remedied, then there is no need to worry about it.” P. 268 Focus on the solution.
“Alternatively, if there is no way out, no solution, no possibility of resolution, then there is also no point in being worried about it, because you can’t do anything about it anyway.” P. 268
Tall order. Again. How?
“Having proper motivation and honesty are the keys to overcoming those kinds of fears and anxieties.” p. 270
This needs some translating.
What do we often feel anxiety about? Let’s consider a few examples.

  1. Are my children going to succeed? We often worry about our kids. We want them to succeed. To have a better life even than our own. Here I believe the Dalai Lama would say that to some extent we can influence this outcome but additionally we have to define what we mean by success…given all of this book, we might have to rethink that. Money, great jobs, etc. are all material things which we know don’t necessarily bring happiness so how will we define success? The motivation he mentions is motivation driven by altruism (not greed or material things). Furthermore, there is only so much we can do to influence their success so we have to let the rest go.
  2. Are my children safe? Same answer as above. Some of you know my youngest son has done some “extreme” rope climbing. It’s scary for a parent. However, I actually developed a strategy to help cope with this anxiety. 1. Know he’s a very technical guy who has done the research and preparation for his climbs. 2. Talk about it after he goes….I don’t always want to know about the trip ahead of time. Since there’s nothing I can do about it, it’s sometimes best not to know about it until he’s home safe.
  3. Will I have enough money to pay my bills? Most of us can do something about this right?
  4. Will he still love me if I….(fill in the blank)? This one comes back to the “attachment” issue and is perhaps the most difficult to overcome for some…but I also think this one is sometimes a question of “will I still love myself if I….” and there’s definitely something one can do about that.
  5. I try, but I can’t help everyone and this fills me with anxiety. Here the Dalai Lama specifically suggests examining your successes and feeling good about those rather than your perceived failures. This leads to the next section of the chapter – self-esteem (which specifically relates to self-expectations).
    What’s on your list?

Honesty as an antidote to low self-esteem or inflated self-confidence


The range of self-esteem from low to “over confidence” or arrogance. Self-image. How does one distinguish between arrogance and valid self-confidence? “One could think in terms of the consequences of one’s attitude – conceit and arrogance generally lead to negative consequences whereas a healthy self-confidence leads to more positive consequences.


What is an antidote to pride (conceit)? “One antidote is to reflect upon the diversity of disciplines that you may have no knowledge of…I think honesty and self-confidence are closely linked…the more honest you are, the more open, the less fear you will have, because there’s no anxiety about being exposed or revealed to others…”p 280 Furthermore, when it comes to over-confidence, honesty about one’s true capabilities comes in to play. Those with inflated egos are often no happy or are disappointed when the fail to achieve something that was realistically out of their grasp to begin with.

Fearless and honest self-appraisal can be a powerful weapon against self-doubt and low self-confidence.

Notice that anxiety and self-doubt are closely linked. Self-doubt really seems to be related to thoughts such as “am I good enough” “what if I can’t do such and such” “what if they don’t like me” Which then leads to anxiety. All of these things, according to the Dalai Lama can be resolved by combining the first set of strategies mentioned above (only worry about those things with a solution) as well as combining an honest appraisal of yourself. An honest appraisal does seem to require an acceptance of limitations which can be daunting in itself, but the alternative is having the perspective of “I’m just not good enough” which will then lead to unhappiness. Acceptance and humility are largely at play here.

On the otherhand, what about arrogance. It’s hard for me to see that others recognize their own arrogance. And if they do, it seems rare they want to do anything about it. Yet, there are some who, while going through their own self-exploration, may begin to recognize it in themselves.

I’ve known quite a few arrogent folks. And the predominant factors I’ve observed are that they are arrogent because they feel like they are experts in something or they are super accomplished at something. I loved the Dalai Lama’s anetdote to this. Recognize how much you don’t know. I’d go one step further and say – then try to learn something new and see how hard it is. It’s quite humbling.

It’s important to notice here that the arrogence of others can cause others unhappiness, but the focus in this section is the unhappiness that arrogence causes the arrogent one. Arrogence often leads to unrealistic expectations which then leads to disappointment. Again the solutions is honest self-assessment. Learning humility.

Thanks for reading. Next week I’ll summarize and write some final remarks. Would love to hear from you. Have a happy weekend.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 9

I’ve got Good News and I’ve got Bad News…The Bad News...Change Ain’t Quick or Easy

From Chapter 12 – Bringing About Change

The Process of Change

First a reminder of what exactly we are trying to do/change: Eliminate our negative behaviors and states of mind.

The necesssary elements

Learning

Conviction

Determination

Action

Effort

Learning – becoming educated about the negative behaviors. Easy example – you want to quit smoking – we all know the dangers of smoking, but in the past these health risks were not as commonly known so someone who wanted to quit smoking might have had to do more research. Better example for day’s culture – drinking alcohol. The U.S. is an alcohol drenched culture. We are full of rationalizations about our alcohol consumption – everything from articles about how GOOD a glass of wine is for you to comparing yourself with your closest friends (“Well at least I drink less than so and so.”) To saying to yourself – I worked hard today, I deserve this. If you want to stop or cut back on drinking, do some research – learn about the real health consequences, take a look at how much you are spending (how it’s impacting your monthly budget, examine how you feel in the morning and research what that actually means, etc. That part is easy. After you find out the truth, making the change is much more difficult and requires the other elements…

“No matter what behavior you are seeking to change, no matter what particular goal or action you are directing your efforts towards, you need to start b developong a strong willingness or wish to do it. You need to generate great enthusiasm. And, here, a sense of urgency is a key factor.” p. 220-221

For the Buddhist, but also for our Western culture, this sense of urgency can come from a realization of our own IMPERMANCE and the preciousness of the human/material body we occupy. But what if that doesn’t provide the “energy” we need to make the change?

The Dalai Lama’s rely was interesting. He referred to the potential reasons for the LACK of energy/enthusiasm. In other words, if we are not enthusiastic about making changes that will create positive results, there must be reason. He sites a few reasons. The first is biological. We are “apathetic” to making positive changes possibly due to lack of sleep, unhealthy diet, alcohol, etc. The second is mental. Mental apathy. In order to eliminate the mental apathy he recommends reminding ourselves of the negative consqueneces of our negative behaviors and states of mind. So how do we do that?

Bad behaviors are simply bad habits. “By using habitution to our advantage. Through constant familiarity, we can definitely establish new behavior patterns…by making a steady effort, I think we can overcome any form of negative conditioning and make positive changes in our lives. But the genuine change doesn’t happen overnight.” p. 224-225

So there you have it. The bad news. It doesn’t seem that we are going to get a quick fix here. But we all knew that right? But let’s plug forward…

“Essentially, there are two kinds of emotions or states of mind: positive and negative.” Positive emotions can be justified and negative emotions cannot be justified. Positive emotions have a solid foundation. Negative emotions don’t. Example – our desire for basic survival needs can be viewed as a positive emotion and because everyone wants to survive (and has the right to survival) that desire can be justified and has a strong foundation (positive emotion). Excess and greed have no solid basis – we don’t need this – so they have no justification and no foundation (negative emotion). The ‘antedote’ to negative states of mind (also here referred to delusions/afflications of the mind) is the development of mental qualities such as patience, tolerance, and kindness, love and compassion.

All of this might be attainable to a Buddhist monk, but what about the rest of us?

Making an effort with realistic expectations are the final factors. The next part of the chapter is very dense and makes too many references to specific Buddhist practices for me to get into here. However, the basic (and once again common sense answer) looks like this. We have to be realistic about how quickly changes will come about. If we set ideals and expect to meet these idealic goals, not only will we fail, but we will feel UNHAPPY. Defeated. Makes total sense.

Much of this chapter reminded me of two pieces I taught in my Intro class called Pascal’s Wager written by Blaise Pascal and The Will to Believe written by William James.

Pascal’s Wager is essentially a dialogue between Pascal and a non-believer in which Pascal frames belief in God as a wager. He argues that one ought to chose to believe in God because the payoff for beleiving is an INFINITE/eternal life (in the afterlife with God) while the wager/stake is merely a finite life of practicing and living the life of faith. So, whatever one might have to give up in this finite life to be a believer, is well worth the infinite payoff for believing. The non-believer (one who chooses not to believe) may enjoy this finite life but the infinite loss (after death) is misery. As the conversation continues, the non-believer objects, stating, one doesn’t simply just snap their fingers and start believing. To this Pascal responds, go to church and act as though you believe and eventually you will believe.

I mention this not because I’m encouraging belief in Catholicism or Buddhism, rather because those final thougts about acting like you believe and eventually you will, always stuck with me. My students scoffed at this by the way. “Fake it til you make it” they’d say. But something tells me that if you want to change habits, even if you don’t really think you can, you have to act like you do.

James’ article makes a Pragmatic argument for having religious belief. His article is in response to a group call “Absolutists” who argued that you shouldn’t believe in ANYTHING without the possiblity of gathering sufficient EVIDENCE. Thus, since faith or religious belief runs counter to actual evidence (I know some of you will disagree with this as well), the Absolutists argue that it’s just totally wrong to believe and causes all kinds of harms to society. James’ on the other hand makes a case that believing certain things – those things for which there is no clear evidence like religion and morality – are not only possible, but could prove to be beneficial. He further claims that decisions about belief are rooted in 2 emotions, either fear or hope. He says some opt not to beleive out of fear of being duped (if there’s no evidence or if God doesn’t actually exist, I’ll look like a fool for beleiving). While others opt to beleive based on the hope of something eternally good. Ultimately if beleiving is an option (here is gets more specific and you’d have to read the article for that) for you than, why not chose hope over fear.

Again, I’m not using this article to convince you to take on a religious belief. Not my thing. But I’ve always loved the idea of choosing Hope over Fear. I’ve recently been challenged with believing in someone close to me. Some think I’m nuts for chosing to have faith in this person. I have definitely had moments when I feel “foolish” for believing. But I do. I’ve chosen hope instead of fear.

This book, though I’m not finished yet, has presented me (and you readers) with a way toward a richer life of happiness. It’s clearly all up to me. It feels like a daunting task and it feels too late in some respects. Did I mention I’m 61? Ha! And yet, I think I have a choice to believe in myself AND OTHERS around me and have hope that I can ever so slowly bring about some positive changes. For the past weeks since I started this book, I literally wake up everyday and tell myself. Be kind. Be compassionate. Then, in the middle of the day I tell myself. Be kind. Be compassionate. Then in the evening I tell myself. Be kind. Be compassionate.

There’s more to say but I have to stop for now. It’s time for my art lesson. And you are probably wondering “where’s the good news”…..To that I say, look again. 😉 Thanks for reading friends.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 8

From Chapter 10 Shifting Perspective

“The ability to look at events from different perspectives can be very helpful…It seems that often when problems arise, our outlook becomes narrow. All of our attention may be focused on worrying about the problem, and we may have a sense that we’re the only one that is going through such difficulties. This can lead to a kind of self-absorption that can make the problem seem very intense.” p 173

I’m currently taking painting lessons from a new teacher. As some of you know I dove into acrylic painting on canvas during covid. Recently I decided to switch to oil. It’s been a disaster. I have no idea what I’m doing. The canvas has been a mess. The house smells like mineral spirits. Awful. Just awful. So I found a teacher. He insisted we start from the beginning – drawing. NOT painting. Ok Ok. I said. I’ll do it. I had my first lesson last week. He had set up 2 easels side by side and a still life for us to work on together. Every few minutes, as I was drawing, he interrupted me and said “Step back and have a look.” At first, I’d take 3 steps back and he’d say, “No, come back here.” Way back. Totally different perspective. It changes everything.

I could totally relate to this idea of narrow minded thinking. I get very irritated with others when they seem to be thinking narrow-mindedly about an important issue, but I can also see myself doing it about my own life. Yuk. So, I’m thinking this week’s mantra is “Step back Trish. See the big picture.” And when you think you’ve stepped back far enough….go a little further.

“Generally speaking, once you’re already in a difficult situation, it isn’t possible to change your attitude simply by adopting a particular thought once or twice. Rather’s it’s through a process of learning, training, and getting used to new viewpoints that enables you to deal with the difficulty.” p. 176

Something to remember as I move forward with this chapter…when we speak of “events” or “problems” we are actually often talking about other people causing us pain. With this in mind the different/broader perspective might require you to try to find positive aspects in a person with whom you are having the difficulty.

“If, however, in spite of your efforts, you do not find any such positive angles or perspectives to a person’s act, then for the time being the best course of action may be to simply try to forget about it.” p 176

This leads to the next section of the chapter…A New Perspective of the Enemy

The Dalai Lama points out the futility of taking revenge on our enemy. This only leads to vicious cycle of tit for tat – if you wrong me I’ll wrong you back and so forth and so on. In this case he is referring to a more global situation in which case the enemy is another country.

In Buddhism, seeing one’s enemy as a gift and showing the enemy compassion is crucial to spiritual developement. Why a gift? The Dalai Lama explains that for the most part we don’t encounter folks who require us to practice patience (not sure I agree with this), so when we do engage with someone who does require us to practice patience, we should see this as a gift.

“In fact, the enemy is the necessary condition for practicing patience (and tolerance). Without an enemy’s action, there is no possibility for patience or tolerance to arise.” p. 179

Recall hatred is an obstacle to happiness. Having enemies is a natural occurance to the human condition. So embracing the enemy as a gift, developing patience and tolerance toward the enemy will then eliminate the hatred and foster the path toward happiness. As mentioned above if one cannot find a more positive perspective then perhaps it’s “best to forget about it.”

The term enemy is another strong word. Perhaps it’s easy to think of another country as our enemy but on a daily basis we don’t necessarily think of individuals we bump into as our enemy – yet there are definitely folks who test our patience. And, in fact, there are people who because of circumstances in a particular moment FEEL like the enemy. Cutler told a story about being extremely aggrevated by a women on a plane. He was hoping for an aisle seat but ended up in the middle and the woman next to him was really annoying him. She felt like the enemy because she simply had the seat he wanted. He was boiling with aggrevation. Having just had the converation with the Dalai Lama about the enemy he realized what he was doing and tried to have patience for this woman. It didn’t work – and he just continued to be aggrevated. Finally, he noticed her wrist and thought, “Do I hate that wrist?” No he thought. Do I hate that arm? No he thought. And so on until he realized there was nothing he actually hated about this woman. That she was just a human being sitting next to him. He came up with this little exercise to in a way sooth himself and ease his aggrevation.

I have a lot of friends who seem to see Trump or Biden as “the enemy” They seem to have extreme hatred for one or the other. I smiled a bit thinking about them seeing Trump or Biden as a precious gift to practice patience. I personally, in this instance, prefer to take the other method and “just forget about it.”

I don’t want this blog to be about politics but I do think our current and recent past political climate has caused a lot of unhappiness/suffering/hatred for many people. I’ll leave today’s post with the Dalai Lama’s wisdom. 1. Step back and see the big picture. 2. If you can’t find anything positive, forget it (at least for a while). 3. Avoid extremes. 4. Practice patience.