Tag: compassion

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 5

From Chapter 7 Defining Compassion “Compassion can be roughly defined in terms of a state of mind that is nonviolent, nonharming, and nonaggressive. It is a mental attitude based on the wish for others to be free of their suffering and is associated with a sense of commitment, responsibility and respect towards the other.” p. 114

Notice nothing above mentions feeling sorry for another person or oneself. NON violent, NON harming, NON aggressive. Compassion, seems to begin with the ABSENCE of certain negative feelings then melds with a desire for others to be free of suffering and goes further to promote a sense of commitment to do something to help eliminate any potential suffering of other and the self.

Two types of Compassion. Compassion tinged with attachment – the feeling of controlling someone, or loving someone so that person WILL LOVE YOU BACK. Compassion free from attachment – Genuine compassion – based on the rational that all human beings have an innate desire to be happy and overcome suffering just like me. This desire makes us all equal. So when someone feels like the enemy remember this equality.

Cutler acknowledged this seems like a very tall order. I agree. How in the world could we EVER get to UN-ATTACHED compassion. I mean certainly it’s possible to be compassionate toward strangers in this way, but do we not want to be loved back by friends, family and significant others?

At this point, I want to throw up my hands and say – well forget it. I’m NOT capable of this. I’m NOT a Buddhist. I’m 61 years old, I’ll never get this.

Take a breathe Trish. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Step back. Dissect again. Look for something to zero in on that makes sense to you.

OK Examples.

  1. A very good friend calls you and tell you her husband has cancer. This is easy. There’s no need to practice feeling non violent, non harming, non aggressive before getting to the point of feeling that you want to relieve your friend’s suffering. You quickly move to the committed, responsible, “what can I do to help, listen, be there.” It’s easy to think about how I’d feel if I had to face the awfulness of my husband having cancer. I can relate without feeling any of the mentioned negative emotions because it’s NOT my husband it’s someone else’s.
  2. I find out a friend’s daughter is getting married and has not invited me. I’m hurt. One the day of the wedding, a severe storm moves in ruining all of the outside preparations for the wedding. My friend is suffering because she had spent a lot of time preparing for the wedding. Again, it might not be very difficult, no matter how hurt I was, to generate feelings of compassion for my friend. Perhaps I’ve given some consideration to the overall expense of weddings and have reconciled that although we are friends she had others closer to her daughter she needed to invite. Certainly I don’t have violent or aggressive feelings towards her. Yet, I might not feel it’s MY responsibility to help eliminate her suffering. Conversely, I could go further and offer a helping hand knowing how disappointing if would be if the situation happened me.
  3. I find out my significant other is cheating on me. Yep there it is. That violent, aggressive F-you A-hole. I can’t possibly feel compassion for you at the moment you son of a b — . Wow. I’m so hurt. I’m so angry ———————-

Breathe. Think. What is the answer here?

Most of us are simply not prepared for something like this when it happens. We’re surprised. We haven’t been “practicing” compassion. We have kids to think of. We wonder how did we miss this? We feel betrayed. We feel like life is unfair. We wonder what we did to cause this. What’s the matter with me?

Even if we felt compassion at some point toward our significant other, it’s almost certainly going to be attachment compassion. Compassion linked with the idea of being loved back.

I think there’s only one way to go here. Cheating is lying and lying is wrong. Lying causes negative consequences – suffering to another. Someone who is causing suffering to another person is seemingly inconsiderate, lacking compassion, ignorant (more on this later). But I think the Dalai Lama would say that someone who is causing suffering is suffering themselves. That’s the heart of it. SOMEONE WHO IS CAUSING SUFFERING IS SUFFERING THEMSELVES. They have engaged in an action that provided short term pleasure (not long term happiness) and at the same time have caused negative consequences of harming other(s).

So then, if we are to show “unattached compassion” we need to eliminate the “I want to be loved back”. We need to eliminate the aggression, violence, harming thoughts. We need to try to understand THEIR suffering. We need to see them as human beings just like us. We need to find our commonality. We need to show up responsibly and allow them some dignity to recover and make compassionate choices of their own.

Wow. That is a tall order.

I came up with 3 examples, the first 2 were rather easy to transition into compassion. Then I jumped to a much more difficult situation. I wonder, reader, what examples can you come up with in which feeling compassion seems easy and in which showing compassion feels impossible? What about my example 3? Would you feel prepared at this moment if something such as this happened to you to show compassion toward your significant other?

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 4

From Chapter 6 Continuing with Relationships

Three factors in developing compassion. 1. Empathy is the ability to appreciate another’s suffering. How to do it…remind yourself of the things you have in common – not the differences. You are both humans. Both have feelings. You came into the world in the same way. 2. Understand the background of others – through education in general and specific to a person. 3. Be open-minded and honest.

Next the Dalai Lama differentiates between genuine friendship and one based on power and position. A genuine friendship/relationship is one in which the underlying basis is affection with true sharing and connectedness. Not based on superficial/fleeting situations.

For a partner/romantic relationship he states the initial sexual attraction is unreliable and if one is basing the relationship on attraction, then they are relating to that person as an object not as a person. While there’s nothing wrong with sexual attraction coupled with mutual respect and dignity, attraction alone is not enough.

It takes time to get to know someone. If one is seeking to build a truly satisfying relationship, the best way of bringing this about is to get to know the deeper nature of the person and relate to her/him on that level instead of merely on the basis of superficial characteristics. Only on this level could one experience genuine compassion.

In all relationships, one must develop a capacity for responsibility and commitment – otherwise the relationship “is just for fun.”

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I didn’t post this small section for a few days because I wanted to stew on it for a bit. The upcoming section the book will cover facing the fact of suffering in our lives. Once we face it, we can learn how to deal with it. Again suffering in this context seems to focus on pretty awful situations such as having a pregnancy in which the child has severe birth defects, or facing the prospect of dying. But if we think about suffering in less extreme situations, it just doesn’t feel right to call it suffering. So, I’m going to call it “things that take away from my contentment or happy state.” Relationships with others – daily interactions with other human beings – are (I think) the most common, most experienced phenomenon that contribute to our daily happiness/lack of happiness.

Everything referenced above once again sure seems like common sense. Unfortunately, common sense can’t always help us out. People do hurtful/unthinking things and we seem both surprised and unprepared for those things when they happen. This results in a not happy state for those on the receiving end of those actions. Or, because people have done hurtful things in the past – even to the point of habitually doing hurtful things – we anticipate them doing it again (in this way one would think we are “prepared for it”). In this case, one of a few things could happen. We brace ourselves for this hurtful thing (in a defensive position) then they do the hurtful thing and we feel justified for thinking “well here we go again.” But it still hurts. We haven’t actually prepared ourselves in a compassionate way. Another possibility is that instead of allowing them to do that hurtful thing, we pre-empt it with our own hurtful attack. Again, not a compassionate way. Sometimes, people do out-of-character hurtful things. Or strangers do hurtful things. All of these situations lead to “things that take away from my contentment or happy state.” How can we help ourselves avoid this in each of these circumstances? Here’s my list (incorporating the 3 factors above).

  1. approach new relatIonships with an open mind
  2. learn as much as you can about those you surround yourself with
  3. take your time, don’t jump to conclusions (positive or negative) too quickly
  4. find others who are as willing as you to have honest, committed relationships
  5. learn from previous hurtful situations and accept compassionately what might be an exception to someone’s ”bad behavior”
  6. accept that some humans through their conditioning may continue to do hurtful things
  7. WAIT now what? Do I eliminate these folks from my life? or continue to expose myself with compassion and acceptance?

This is why it’s taken me a few days to post. 7 gets me every time. Perhaps I’ll find an answer as I continue to read the book. What do you think?

Today’s photo – me with my dear friend from 1972 (?) – until today. Genuine. Open. Compassionate. Committed. Clearly contributing to my happiness. This friendship has been 50 years in the making. It doesn’t get much better than this.