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How I Can Do This

Several people have asked me how I know how to do these things to fix my house. I’ve put together some of my life experiences to fill you in. 

Marriage(s)

Some of you know I’ve been married a few times. What follows is in no way a jab at any of these guys. Just a little humor and a lot of life.

Clark – the marriage of my youth. 

We married young with a baby in tow. So when we settled in to York, we were pretty poor. At least it felt that way. We rented an apartment for 2 years before buying a place. That was 1983. By 1985, Ryan was a 2 and a half year old and Michael on the way. Buying the house was a big deal. We maxed out our monthly payment to get into Suburban schools, a highly rated district, planning ahead for the boys. Ryan had a real knack for spilling grape juice on the apartment carpet. Every dollar mattered. We really needed our security deposit back. So one day I decide to test a small area of the carpet, a section of the closet, with clorox. I mean clorox is the bomb. I rubbed a tiny amount on the grape juice stained carpet and whalla! The stain was gone. I set out to remove all of the other stains. I was so pleased with myself, I had just saved us the $500 deposit. I took a nap. When I awoke, the clorox had really done its job. I now had white splotches all over a brown rug. Five o’clock was approaching. Clark would be home any minute. I sat on the front door stoop waiting. When he pulled in, all I could say was “Please just remember, I’m pregnant.” He walked into the apartment and didn’t say a word. We lost 1/2 of our deposit.

(Clorox will become a big part of my life all these years later, but now I know where to use it.)

Fast forward to 1986. We are now living in the house. Picture orange and some other color that pretended to be yellow shag carpet. Remember that? There’s a theme here with carpet. Life is full of themes.

One day I decided to peak underneath. Wow! Beautiful old hardwoods. Sooo removing the carpet became my project. The problem: I had no idea just how heavy carpet could be. I pulled up and rolled half of the living room and couldn’t budge it from there. Ut oh. I couldn’t finish the job before he came home from work. Five o’clock rolled around, so back I was sitting on the front porch. This time I wasn’t pregnant. Clark pulled up. I said “Wait til you see what I discovered!” In typical Clark fashion, he took a look, rolled his eyes ever so slightly and went to work on the rest. Another pattern, I’d start a project, get myself into trouble and Clark would bail me out. 

After our divorce, I was living in the house, going to grad school and feeling poor – again. I wanted to convert the shed to a home office- the original she-shed. With no Clark to save me I had to figure it out. This was my first project and when I learned to drywall

Lex – the marriage that lasted 3 months.

I learned one thing during this brief 30-something something.

At all cost. Find humor.

Keith – the marriage that bought the farm

We did a lot. No kidding. I learned more in that 14 year period than I realized. 

Engaged in 2003, it was time for both of us to leave Suburban and start fresh. I’d had enough of suburbia and wanted to be either a country or city mouse. I really didn’t care which, I just wanted a new experience. We looked around. At first it was fun. Keith wanted to see what the real estate landscape looked like. After a few weekends of driving around with a map – yes I said a map – and getting car sick, I said, “OK, you can go learn the real estate landscape all you want, if you find something I just want veto power.” 

Shortly thereafter, I saw an ad in the Sunday paper – yes the Sunday paper – for an open house at this small farm. I asked if he wanted to go. We did. As we walked though the house – a house that needed a lot of work, fields, old out buildings, a collapsed bank barn. I fell in love with the place. But the thing was, Keith wanted to travel and I thought this place would become a burden. So I didn’t say much. We were recently engaged, I guess that’s why I keep my mouth shut. As we walked the fields, he began calling it ours. I was surprised, but thrilled. We bought the farm and spent years turning it into a showpiece. I helped with the demo. We lived with a sink in the kitchen. We ate cereal for breakfast and ate out for dinner for months. I didn’t do any of the rebuild. We left that to 2 main guys. Half the house was log and Keith wanted to expose them so we hired a log house expert. The first time he came to the house we asked what to do. His response: “Let the house speak to you.” Oh it spoke alright. Then there was Mitch. I love Mitch. He had been our handyman at the old house, but had become our major contractor. He is a brilliant carpenter. Both men were artists. The guys didn’t let me do any of the work. Not even the painting. All I did was pick everything. Design. And I did good. What the guys didn’t know was that I studied them. I watched. I watched as the log guy moved huge logs to create new walls. I watched Mitch build beautiful built-ins and stunning 5 layered crown molding. I watched them solve the myriad of problems they inevitably encountered. Watching is easy. But it sinks in. Eleven years at the farm. Eleven years of renovations. It was lovely.

Here’s the thing. I paid attention. Make no mistake, we still travelled extensively during those years. I’ve lost track of the number of countries. I used to say Keith would sleep on dirt as long as he was doing what he loved. I didn’t get that. Now I do.

Flying solo-unmarried and finding my way. 

Now it’s 2017. 

I’m poor again. Teaching adjunct philosophy anywhere I can find classes and attempting to sell real estate. A bit out of sorts, I decided the best place for me was to return to my old hood. Suburban. I dreaded renting. I needed roots. I needed a home. I wasn’t sure I’d qualify for a mortgage so I hedged my bets and checked out the rental market. I stumbled upon a real fixer upper that was listed for rent.The small rancher was a mess. Mold in the basement. Everything that could leak did. The hardwoods were filthy and rough. I can’t even talk about the bathrooms. The weeds were as tall as the house. But the lot was a gem. I contacted the rental agency and asked them to tell the owner I wanted to buy it. The place was being destroyed by renters and needed a new owner. Me. I knew in my heart this was going to be mine. I went to a local bank and asked what they could do for me. I was a good risk. They agreed. It was time for me to buy my first home – alone.

I bought the place in late November and hired a guy to remediate the mold. I was staying at Ryan’s in Cockeysville at that time. Michael and Dee came home for the Christmas holiday so we all drove up to see the house. I was excited to show the kids my purchase. They were worried- but pretended not to be. This was NOT the farm. This was not what mom had become accustomed to. This place was a mess. But I knew I could fix it. After the toxins from the mold removal dissipated, I began. I commuted from Cockeysville daily to work on the house. My first project was to attack the hardwoods. No I’d never used a sander before, but how hard could it be to push a machine around? Silly me. Two different sanders because the first one didn’t do the job, oodles of sand paper because I couldn’t figure out how to wrap it around the drum, several days of tears because – well just because. I can’t remember how many days it took. After the floors, I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. I picked at peeling paint, patched cracks, installed new appliances then moved in. I spent the month of February painting, while living in the house. By March the house was in great shape. For a few minutes. 

In like a lion, out like a lamb. March. 

It was late in the afternoon. I was on a ladder painting my bedroom and talking on the phone with a friend when I heard – and felt – a loud boom. The lion was roaring. I darted outside to see what happened. And there it was, one of the towering pines had stopped towering and landed on the attached garage-and my new car. I just stood there stunned. My neighbor had heard the crash and came over to see if I was ok. He was carrying his first evening cocktail. My response, “Yes, I’m ok,” pointing to his glass, “but I may need one of those.”

They invited me for dinner that night. Good neighbors are important and another theme. 

I wasn’t the only home owner with wood where it didn’t belong. The storm was a doozy, leaving downed trees and power lines everywhere. You know what that means. No one is available to fix things. Everyone has insurance claims. But I was a dog with a bone. Relentless. I found some folks to remove the tree- or most of it the next day. I immediately called my insurance company and placed claims on both the house and the car. I found a contractor I liked. The work began. I thought it was all under control. 

It wasn’t. 

A full year passed before the final outside light was attached to the entirely rebuilt garage. I lost count of the claim adjusters-field and desk. I lost count of the new issues that arose as the contractors found more problems. I lost count of the number of phone calls I had to make. But in the end, I didn’t lose. By spring of the following year, the house had a totally new roof, all new siding, and a solid garage. The house was transformed, no longer the eye sore of the neighborhood. I didn’t lose. I won. Was it stressful? Absolutely. I didn’t ask that tree to fall on my house. In fact, afterwards, with every approaching storm, I’d walk out back and stare at the remaining 12 towering pines along the row and worry it would happen again. I had tree experts assess the likelihood. You know what they said? Maybe. Maybe not. I lived in fear for five years. In 2022, ironically just before selling the house, I had them all removed. No more house disasters right? 

Here’s what I learned from that experience and what would become ever so important for my survival post Ian. And by survival I mean mental, emotional and financial. Ian was a thousand times worse than that little lioness storm which translates to a gazzillion more claims, a gazzillion more problems, a gazzillion more phone calls. I learned I have to fight to get – not what I deserve – what I simply paid for. I paid for insurance. I signed a contract. I held up my end of the contract by paying. It was now their turn to abide by the agreement. They were busy. There were disconnects between adjusters. There were new issues. I learned patience. (I don’t really think it was patience – more like tenacity) Documentation. Follow up-constantly. All of these things would be critical post Ian.

The little rancher story doesn’t end there. After the house was finally repaired, there was still one nagging problem. I’d avoided it, patched it, painted over it but could no longer deny it. The living room wall next to the fireplace was deteriorated from a long standing leak. Somewhere. I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from nor could anyone else. Some speculated water was seeping though the chimney cracks. Some thought those things that overlap the chimney weren’t fastened properly. But I had a new roof and the contractors assured me nothing was leaking from their end. So, I caulked the cracks on the outside of the chimney. Then I demo’d the interior wall and everything above the mantle. I thought for sure I’d find a clue within the bare walls. I thought the house would speak to me. But it stared back silently. A mystery. With that in mind, I simply couldn’t pay someone to fix the wall that could ultimately deteriorate again. So I took it on myself. When demo’ing it, I found a dangling electrical line. I had no clue whether it was live. I don’t meddle with electricity. Never will. I called in an expert for that. It turned out not to be hot but he removed it so the wall was clear for repair. 

Here’s what I learned from that project. 

  1. You need good tools. 
  2. Drywall is freaking heavy.
  3. At the age of late 50’s I wasn’t as strong as I used to be.
  4. When a friend pops over and offers to help. Accept it.

The wall got repaired and the leaks stopped.

Movies, Covid, Puzzles and Painting

Many of you know I wrote and produced an indie movie in 2020. Ok so here’s the thing about that. People asked me then – but why are you doing it? Do you want to make money? Is this your new career? What’s your goal? Why? Why? Why? I didn’t really have an answer. I just wanted to do it. Wasn’t that enough? I wanted to try it. Have you met me??? That’s what I do. I try stuff. Trying new things is fun. Trying new things is challenging. Trying new things teaches you a lot about yourself. 

Trying new things is how and why I can do what I’m doing now.

Here’s what I’m most proud of about the movie. Not the writing. Not the acting. (Of course better would have been – well – better.) What I’m most proud of is the incredible effort and coordination it took to pull it off. Scheduling. Recruiting talent. Finding locations. Sequencing. Smiling. 

Project management. Period. At this, I humbly claim to be pretty darn good. 

Less than two weeks after the premiere of the movie Covid hit. Isolation. Loneliness. Masks. Sanitizing groceries. I could have used the time to write. I could have used the time to learn something new. I didn’t. I watched a lot of TV. Played virtual poker. Lived in Pjs. Watched the numbers on CNN. And worked on jigsaw puzzles. Did I mention loneliness? I was not unique. Covid took a toll on many. 

Here’s what I learned through the worst of Covid. 

  1. Sometimes you gotta go it alone.
  2. Masks are not that bad. And protective wear is a good idea.
  3. Although the news “tried to inform us” sometimes you have to make important judgment calls – that work for you. 
  4. I really like puzzles – all kinds except crossword. 
  5. I was not spending another cold winter in Pennsylvania.

After Covid calmed down a bit and things began to open up, I was still a bit discombobulated. I wasn’t writing but I needed a creative outlet. I pulled out an old sketch pad and started drawing. I sent one or two pieces to my friend Patti who is always cheering me on in any of my pursuits. She insisted I meet a local artist and take a few lessons. I met Brenda Wintermyer summer 2021. I fell in love. With Brenda. With painting. Brenda has the coolest vibe, not to mention incredible talent. Painting was my new thing. I was obsessed. I wasn’t bad. A few pieces turned out pretty good. A lot weren’t. I didn’t care. I was enjoying it. I was learning. I didn’t feel so lonely. 

Here’s what I learned from painting.

  1. You don’t have to be perfect at everything.
  2. You can paint over it. Again and again.
  3. When you find an expert at something, absorb everything you can. 
  4. Don’t be embarrassed by your work. 

How I landed on Sanibel doesn’t really matter. Suffice to say I went all in. I bought my little piece of paradise March 2022. I spent just a few months here then came home to PA and NY for the summer. When I returned to PA I decided it was time to sell the little rancher, give most of my worldly possessions to Ryan, and become a full-time Floridian. It felt right. It still does.

Ian hit Sanibel September 28th. Alan and I packed the car with as many tools and supplies as he could think of. Notice I said “as he could think of.” I wasn’t super clearheaded at the time. During the drive south, I called and interviewed at least 10 boat captains to reserve a boat to get out to the island. The bridge was broken, but you probably already know that. 

October 7th, only nine days post Ian, Alan and I met Captain Connor Gear at a yacht club in Ft. Myers and began our journey to the wreckage. 

Ironically traveling across the bay in debris filled waters was more scary for me than wondering what my home would look like, but Connor did everything he could to make me feel safe and Alan held me tight calming me ever so slightly. 

Connor anchored the boat on the bay side, helped us unload our supplies, and we began the one mile walk to Periwinkle Park. Wearing muck boots, backpacks and carrying all of our supplies, we slowly made our way along Bailey Road to Periwinkle Way. The park is not far now. The devastation already so incredibly evident. As we turned into the park, a ghost town, I had to stop, for just a moment. I was about to see my home. 

Walking along Main St., I passed so many devastated trailers, I prepared myself for the worst. 

Finally, after nine days of not knowing, I was about to know. Turning down 4w I could immediately see my house was still there and the exterior didn’t look bad. I felt this little tinge of relief. Skirting strewn across – well everywhere – spouting partially ripped off rested on the small palm tree, the porch light was topsey and my neighbor’s tree rested somewhat gingerly on the side of the house. Some damage there for sure, nothing major. 

It was then I thought I forgot the key to the house. As if breaking a window would have mattered, I momentarily panicked. All of the planning to get there and I was locked out. But I didn’t forget it. The mind plays tricks. 

I unlocked the door and walked into mud filled, mold growing, displaced furniture (displaced doesn’t quite describe it). Alan looked at me, expecting I suppose that I’d start crying. I didn’t. I simply said, “Let’s get to work. Everything goes.”

I won’t detail everyday since then. There’s just too much between  October 7th and now February 2, 2023. Here’s a list, though, and here’s where I’m at as of now.

3 increments of demo over multiple days. I barely remember.

Daily phone calls, texts and emails to insurance adjusters and insurance examiners. A dog with a bone, I was relentless.

Periodic movement between friends, family and condo jumping. Packing and unpacking. 

Waiting for insurance.

Waiting for insurance.

Waiting for insurance.

Waiting for insurance.

Waiting for insurance.

It took too long.

Hiring electrician, hvac, and general contractor.

Waiting for insurance. You get the drift.

Getting results of insurance. 

Making the decision to do much of the work on my own.

Home for the holidays.

Return to Florida with my car, packed this time, with repair tools, not demo tools.

Another condo.

Daily commutes to the island, stopping first at Home Depot for supplies. 

2×4’s straddled from windshield to rear. Screws in the hundreds. 

Building walls, spraying Kilz on the interior shell walls. Insulation. Drywall. New closets. Taping. Mudding.

I’m living here now. 

I have, in order of importance, a coffee maker, mattress, toilet, laundry, refrigerator, 3 spoons, 1 fork, 3 knives, 1 plate, 1 bowl, 1 coffee mug, 1 wine glass (maybe that should have come earlier), 3 rusty chairs, 3 folding tables, a myriad of GOOD tools. 

Very good neighbors who constantly lend me a hand with heavy drywall or advice.

I have all I need at the moment.

The house was a giant jigsaw puzzle. I’ve almost put the last pieces together.  I’m so close. 

I’m tired. But I’m so close.

I’ll do the floors next. Soon. 

I’ll sleep in dirt for a little longer.

I’ll brush my teeth and spit into the road a little longer.

I’ll wear a mask a little longer.

I’ll paint over what isn’t perfect. 

I’ll ask for help when I need it.

I’ll accept help when it’s offered.

I’ll spend my winter where I belong. Right here in my little piece of paradise.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 7

From Chapter 9 Self-Created Suffering

I loved this chapter.

“All too often we perpetuate our own pain by replaying our hurts over and over again in our minds, magnifying our injustices in the process.” p. 150

“We also often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over reacting to minor thngs, and sometimes taking things too personally.” p. 152

Therapists call this personalizing our pain – the tendency to narrow our psychological field of vision by interpreting or misinterpreting everything that occurs in terms of its impact on us. p. 152

But it’s not fair! Many of our strongest negative feelings (suffering) comes from the feeling that something just isn’t fair. Cutler and the Dalai Lama discuss three views of resolving this. The first is the Buddhists’ perspective of Karma. Put simply, Karma explains why something happens to a person as a way to atone for past (this life or previous lives) actions so a Buddhist can see whatever is causing them pain as the result of this and better cope. Other types of believer’s, for example Christians, may choose to cope with suffering as a “part of God’s plan.” Finally, the non-believers can choose to look at a situation as objectively as possible and seek causes for the situation. Often, he states, we think of some particular situation as singly caused. For example the situation in Tibet could simply be blamed on the Chinese or the Gulf War on Saddam Hussein. However, most situations, even those far less complex are caused by multiple causes before that. Taking time to objectively assess a situation, examine the many causes that happened to create it can lessen the feeling of “unfairness”. And, taking it one step further, the Dalai Lama challenges us to examine OUR PART in the situation.

Regardless of your belief system – Buddhist, Christian, another religion or as a non-believer – one must recognize that we live in a material world. (By this I don’t mean materialistic as in I want new clothes and a new car every month. I mean we have material/physical bodies, we live in real houses on a real planet with real other physical entities – dogs, cats, stores people, grass, etc.) All of these things are impacted by cause and effect. And, rarely if ever is it a single cause producing a single effect. Some argue that our very existence in a situation alters the situation. Thus, the Dalai Lama’s challenge for us to examine our part / influence on a particular situation. I could go on and on here about cause and effect, multiple causes producing multiple effects but I’ll let you ponder the simple concept of essentially owning up to your part of a situation. That was very powerful for me. When we participate in any situation – we are a part of the outcome. OK, I had to come back to this after rereading because I missed something. We often wonder about another person’s motives for doing something. A motive is an effect of causes. So when we look at our own and others’ motives, we might want to think about “Gosh what caused him/her to be motived toward doing x, y, z?”

On Guilt/Regret. Yes, even the Dalai Lama has some regret about past situations. However, he maintains that while he still had some regret, he holds it at a distance and continues to do the best he can for others.

“Guilt arises when we convince ourselves that we’ve made an irreparable mistake. The torture of guilt is in thinking that any problem is permanent. Since there is nothing that doesn’t change, however, so too pain subsides – a problem doesn’t persist. This is the positive side of change. The negative side is that we resist change in nearly every arena of life. the beginning of being released from suffering is to investigate one of the primary causes: resistance to change.” p. 162-63

I think guilt and regret are two of the most powerful negative motivators for future actions. As a former Catholic, this has become a joke. One asks “Do you feel guilty about that?” The Catholic’s response “I’m Catholic.” AND, EVERYONE GETS IT.

But, I loved the idea of taking that guilt and moving it into a positive space for doing better in the future. Stop perpetuating the guilt with crappy behavior. Do good things and see how good it feels. Eventually, the suffering of guilt subsides (even if it doesn’t completely go away.)

The concept of impermanence…everything, literally everything, changes.

This section was perhaps the most impactful for me because so many times I’ve been told “People don’t change.” And that’s depressing for me. This section wasn’t really about this, it was more about accepting change. As in, many people RESIST change like aging, children growing up and fleeing the coup, friends moving, etc and in their resistance, they suffer.

I’m 61. I went through my biggest mental change sometime in my late 30’s – when I really needed to examine my life and behaviors. Since then I’ve changed daily. I’ve aged. I’ve learned. Unlike many, aging doesn’t bother me all that much. I tend to embrace the “wisdom that comes with age.” For me watching others resist change is more painful.

I started this book and this particular journey because I felt stuck – things seemed to be “staying the same.” BUT, they weren’t. They were changing. I just wasn’t paying attention. Now I am, and it feels better. Embrace change. Look for it. Relish in it. Make it happen.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 2

From Cutler’s Introduction: “…the single note he constantly sounded. It is one of hope. His hope is based on the belief that while attaining genuine and lasting happiness is not easy, it nevertheless can be done. Underlying all the Dalai Lama’s methods there is a set of basic beliefs that act as a substrate for all his actions: a belief in the fundamental gentleness and goodness of all human beings, a belief in the value of compassion, a belief in the policy of kindness, and a sense of commonality among all living creatures.

“The purpose of our existence is to seek happiness.” (p. 16)

“When we speak of this inner discipline, it can of course involve many things, many methods. But generally speaking, one begins by identifying those factors which lead to happiness and those factors which lead to suffering. Having done this, one then sets about gradually eliminating those factors which lead to suffering and cultivating those which lead to happiness. This is the way.” (p. 15)

Happiness is determined more by one’s state of mind than by external events…being happy or unhappy has very little to do with absolute conditions, rather it is a function of how we perceive our situation, how satisfied we are with what we have. (p. 20-22)

We have a tendency to compare ourselves with others and notice what we don’t have (money, power, good relationships, beauty, a good job, etc.) rather than realizing things could be worse. He’s not actually suggesting we STOP comparing ourselves with others. Instead, begin by comparing yourself with those worse off than you and you will soon recognize thing could be worse.

The demarcation between a positive and a negative desire or action is not whether it gives you an immediate feeling of satisfaction but whether it ultimately results in positive or negative consequences.

Inner contentment is to want and appreciate what we have.

The true antidote of greed is contentment.

Momentary pleasure vs. long term happiness…Ask yourself: Will it bring me long term happiness?

Self-worth and dignity come from warmth and affection given to others because that (unlike material things) cannot be taken away from you.

Peace of mind is rooted in affection and compassion.

~~~~~~~

Reflections

The introduction above is jam packed with wonderful statements that could for some already be objectionable in one way or another, so let’s take a look. “The fundamental goodness and gentleness of ALL human beings”. What about Hitler? The book and the Dalia Lama provide an answer to such an objection using Stalin as the example instead of Hitler. If you want the full version you’ll have to read the book. Here’s my take. Whether you agree that ALL human beings are fundamentally good and gentle isn’t the point, don’t throw the baby out with the bath water (I’ve always wanted to say that). What if we accept the notion that most human beings are fundamentally good and gentle and if some are not, it’s a product of conditioning. That doesn’t mean we have to subject ourselves to these people on a regular basis by the way. But, when we do run into them – those folks who sure don’t seem good and gentle – perhaps we can remind ourselves, they came into this world the same way we did, then something happened. Even when we run into the good and gentle folks, we might just be in a bad mood, or we might feel threatened by something they say or do. The point is to step back and remind ourselves of the commonality between us…we are humans, we are good and try to respond with this in mind…

A belief in a policy of kindness. I dare you to find something wrong with that.

A sense of commonality among ALL living creatures. Ok, I have a LOT of friends who are animal lovers, I have a few friends who might buy into this notion of ALL living creatures. But many want to hold the line at HUMAN’s having commonality and the rest of those living creatures not so much. In my book, that’s ok too. A sense of commonality among Human beings works just fine for me.

The idea that the purpose of our very existence is to seek happiness is not original or solely attributed to the Buddhist tradition. Many philosophers, psychologists, neuroscientists and others have made arguments, done studies and found evidence that this is the case. You don’t have to agree in order to still want to be happy.

My point of mentioning these objections and then rather quickly dismissing them isn’t because I want to trivialize them, but I also don’t want to get bogged down in them. I want to glean what I can from what makes sense to me. I’m not wearing my philosopher hat, (well maybe just a little) instead I’m wearing my seeker hat…what can I find in this book to help me.

Regarding positive and negative consequences…again, this notion is nothing original or limited to Buddhism. In moral theory, Utilitarianism, specifically comes to mind, the consideration of consequences of actions is central to the ‘goodness’ of the action. And, you don’t have to be a philosopher to recall a parent saying think about the consequences of your actions. Further, the notion of long-term happiness vs. immediate satisfaction is something we’ve all likely encountered at some point. Examples (not specifically moral examples but relatable) might include the short term pain of going to the gym for the long term happiness associated with good health; giving up dessert; studying now to pass a test later, etc.

As with Utilitarianism, this theory of the path toward happiness incorporates something like this: if we agree that we all desire happiness (to the point that our entire existence is about pursuing happiness), then it’s best to pursue those desires/actions that will create/cause long term happiness for ourselves AND OTHERS. Why others? Why not just pursue long term happiness for ourselves? The answer gets a little more complicated, but I’ll give a brief summary. Since we also know and experience the fact that we need others to survive – yes there are a few who might be able to survive in the wilderness alone – we will always be engaging with others and they also want to be happy. Making them happy will ultimately make us happy and although making them happy might not immediately make us happy, ultimately in the long term, we will be happier if they are happy.

What then is the “best thing” we can do for others? Should we give them gifts of gold? Should we treat them to dinner? Sure. That’s ok too. But the main tenant of this theory is to give others compassion and kindness – even when we don’t feel like it. Self worth and dignity come not from material things because at any moment those things can go away. Self worth and dignity come from warmth and affection. I love that.

More tomorrow.

Affectionately, Trish

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 1

Hello Readers, It’s been quite a while since I’ve written on this space. As those of you who have read my posts know, this blog, which I started in 2014, has provided a venue for whatever has been most significant or meaningful in my life at a particular time. It began as a travel and food blog, morphed into a place to vulnerably expose my story writing, jumped to a promo site for my film, then briefly reverted to a recipe blog. The beauty of this is that it’s really a place to reflect and if anyone wants to jump in and read what I have to share – all the better.

My current status has led me do what I sometimes need to do when I feel like things are just not quite right. When I feel like my life is off kilter. Skewed. I study. I don’t do yoga. I don’t meditate. I don’t pray. I study. So, I went to the library with no particular book in mind. I roamed through the stacks, perusing book titles, then stopped abruptly when I came upon The Art of Happiness – A Handbook for Living, written by Howard C. Cutler from extensive interviews and time spent with His Holiness the Dalai Lama. I’ve always been fascinated with the notion of happiness and as a philosophy student/professor, I, of course, explored it privately and with my students over the years. Yet, I still never have come up with a satisfactory answer to what it means to be truly happy and how to get there. So, I thought, ok here’s the book I’m going to study first.

After reading the first several chapters and taking notes, it occurred to me that I would be helping myself and possibly others if I summarize some of the points that resonate with me. So, for the next entries over the course of however long it takes, I’ll tell you about the book. I think it’s very important to mention that the book is not promoting Buddhism, but one cannot help but see the Buddhist influence on these ideas. Don’t be afraid of this. No matter what your faith or lack of, you might find it interesting. My method will be to first give direct quotes and paraphrases from the book then reflect personally on that section. I want to do it this way because you might find the excerpts valuable but my reflections distracting or unhelpful. Perhaps you want to read the excerpts. Do some of your own reflecting without my input, then come back and see if we had similar or different reactions. In any case, it will be here for you. Maybe you’ll need to read the book for yourself. If one thing within these pages helps one of you today, then I’ve done something good and that will make me happy. 🙂

For the most part, I’ll progress in a linear fashion, start to finish, but today I wanted to begin with a meditation offered by the Dalia Lama to a large gathering (Chapter 7, page 129). I’m starting here because I often feel that when I’m reading “self-help” books, it takes a while to get to something specific that I can do right now. And this is what happened in this book as well. I had to wait until page 129 for a mind exercise. Tomorrow, I’ll start from the beginning, but for now, give this a try.

“So…let us meditate on compassion today. Begin by visualizing a person who is acutely suffering, someone who is in pain or is in a very unfortunate situation. For the first three minutes of the meditation, reflect on that individual’s suffering in a more analytic way – think about their intense suffering and the unfortunate state of that person’s existence. After thinking about that person’s suffering for a few minutes, next try to relate that to yourself, thinking, ‘that individual has the same capacity for experiencing pain, joy, happiness, and suffering that I do.’ Then, try to allow your natural response to arise – a natural feeling of compassion towards that person. Try to arrive at a conclusion: thinking how strongly you wish for that person to be free from that suffering. And resolve that you will help that person to be relieved from their suffering. Finally, place your mind single-pointedly on that kind of conclusion or resolution, and for the last few minutes of the meditation try to simply generate your mind in a compassionate or loving state.”

~~~~~~~

Reflections

In the beginning of the blog, I said, I don’t meditate, I study. Well, of course I’ve TRIED to meditate. I set my phone timer for some minutes, thinking I’ll do a few more minutes with more practice. I sit on the floor cross legged, hands on knees, sitting tall, eyes closed. Clear my mind. Hmmmmmmmm. Clear my mind. Wait did I eat breakfast yet? Hmmmmmmm. I wonder how long I’ve gone. Hmmmmmmmm. My butt hurts a little in this position, maybe tomorrow I’ll sit on a pillow. You get the picture. I’m not good at meditation. I give up pretty quickly. What I liked about the meditation above was that it was actually something I am SUPPOSED to think about. Very clear direction and something we can all do. Because we all know someone other than ourselves who is suffering right now.

The word suffering might be off-putting to some of you. Perhaps too intense or dramatic. Maybe you want to just think about someone who is having a rough time. Someone who has an illness. Someone who has recently lost a loved one.

More tomorrow.

Love, Trish

Facebook Ingredient Self-Challenge Part 3 Eggplant Meatball Stroganoff

This recipe proved to be more challenging than the others, so please read the entire set of recommendations for better results! This is the last entry from my Facebook self-challenge (for a while at least). The recommended ingredient was mushrooms. I have loads of recipes that include mushrooms but wanted to challenge myself to create something new. Since eggplant was also on the list, I’ve continued to explore the vegetarian version of one of my favorite comfort meals, Beef Stroganoff. For a quick look at the process, see the following video.

The Recipe

1 medium eggplant
3.5 oz. container shiitake mushrooms, sliced
8 oz. container portobello mushrooms, sliced
2 shallots, diced
3 cloves garlic, diced

1 egg
1 C. breadcrumbs*
1 T. Worcestershire
1 C. sour cream
1 T. tarragon
Salt and Pepper to taste
Olive oil

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Place eggplant on baking sheet. Make a few incisions into eggplant. Bake for 45 minutes. Place in ice bath for faster cooling. Peel and dice eggplant. Place in small bowl. Mash.
Coat bottom of oven proof frying pan (I used cast iron) with olive oil. Saute sliced mushrooms, shallots, and garlic until mushrooms are golden brown.
Move mashed eggplant to a larger bowl. Add 1/2 cup of the mushroom mixture, egg, Worcestershire, breadcrumbs, S&P. Mix thoroughly. Roll into 2″ meatballs. Remove remaining mushroom mixture from skillet. Place meatballs into skillet and bake for approx. 30 minutes at same temperature (400 degrees), or until brown and cooked through.
Place skillet on burner over medium heat. Add mushrooms, sour cream, and tarragon. Bring to boil. Simmer for 10 minutes.

Serve over cooked egg noodles (prepared per directions on package).

*The breadcrumb measurement will be dependent upon how wet the eggplant mixture is before you add the breadcrumbs. Since I was experimenting with this recipe, I ended up using 1 full cup of breadcrumbs. I used Italian Seasoned Breadcrumbs. I think it might be better to absorb some of the liquid from the eggplant mash before adding anything to it. Simply pat the mash with paper towels to reduce moisture. Add 1/2 cup breadcrumbs first, then add small amounts at a time until the mixture feels sturdy enough to hold together. If it’s too sticky, it won’t hold shape. If you want to experiment further, you could use dry, parmesan shaker cheese to replace some of the breadcrumbs.

EXTRA NOTE: I was going to use some grated mace in the sauce or some nutmeg. I couldn’t find mace and opted out of the nutmeg, but I think either would be an interesting addition.

Facebook Ingredient Self-Challenge Part 2 Asparagus Salmon Dip

This simple but elegant dip is a great addition to your entertaining table…well, forget entertaining for a while…make it for yourself!
This is part 2 of the Facebook Ingredient Self-Challenge. Today’s ingredient is asparagus.

Recipe
Prep time – 15 minutes Refrigerate 1 hour Total time 1:15

Ingredients
16 thin asparagus spears, chopped
5 oz. salmon
8 oz. cream cheese, softened
2 T. half & half
4 scallions, chopped
2 T. fresh dill, chopped
1 tsp. smoked paprika
1 tsp. hot sauce such as Tabasco
Salt and Pepper to taste

Bring a small pot of water to boil. Chop asparagus into small pieces. Boil asparagus for 1 minute only. Drain. Immerse into ice water bath to halt cooking. While asparagus is cooling, mix all remaining ingredients. When asparagus is cool, drain and add to mixture. Best if refrigerated for an hour.

This dip is delicious served with crackers or nacho chips.
Optional: add a dash of Liquid Smoke to taste

Facebook Ingredient Self-Challenge Part 1 Pobano Eggplant Chili

Last weekend, I was looking for ideas for new recipe creations and decided to ask my Facebook Friends for help. I created a post asking for a single ingredient. Thanks to several of my friends, I found inspiration in creating a few new recipes. The next three posts are the result of this self-challenge.

I LOVE chili, particularly in the fall and winter. I mean who doesn’t? About 15 years ago, I was introduced to the combination of chili topped with cole slaw. Traditional spicy beef chili has been my go-to many Sunday afternoons during football season. However, I’ve been cutting way back on red meat so I was looking for a substitute.

This recipe includes 3 ingredients from the post: Eggplant, Poblano Peppers and Cabbage. Here’s a quick view of the process.

The Recipe Prep time 2 hours. Serves 8-10

Dill Cole Slaw
 1 bag pre-cut slaw
1 C. mayonaise
1/3 C. sour cream
1/4 C. chopped fresh dill
Salt and Pepper to taste

Mix All Ingredients. Refrigerate.

Chili
1 Medium Eggplant
1 Sweet Potato
3 Poblano Peppers
1 Large Onion-Chopped
3 Cloves Garlic
1-28 oz. Can Crushed Tomatoes

1-16 oz. Can Black Eyed Peas
1-16 oz. Can Black Beans
3 C. Water
1 Tsp. each Chili powder, Cumin, Smoked Paprika
Olive Oil, Salt and Pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Arrange eggplant, sweet potato, and peppers on a baking sheet. With a knife, make several small incisions into the sweet potato and eggplant. The poblanos with be ready first after about 30 minutes, the eggplant and sweet potato will take about 45 minutes. For faster cooling immerse the eggplant and sweet potato into an ice bath. In the meantime, heat a large pot over medium heat. Drizzle enough olive oil to cover bottom of the pot. Chop the onion and garlic, add to the pot, saute until onions are translucent. When the peppers are cool enough to handle, remove tops, slice, scrape out seeds and chop. When the eggplant and sweet potato are cool enough to handle, remove the skins and chop to desired size. Add all to the pot. Add crushed tomatoes and water. Drain the black eyed peas and black beans and rinse. Add to the pot. Add seasoning. Allow to heat through. I like to wait about an hour for all to meld together.

For Serving
Ladle chili into a large soup bowl. Garnish with Dill Cole Slaw.

Social Distancing and Secret Spaces

I’m happy or should I say proud to report that almost everyone I know is taking the necessary steps to follow the social distancing guidelines currently set forth by – well anyone and everyone with an iota of common sense. It doesn’t take an expert to tell us these things. Does it?

Yesterday, as a part of my mental health routine I drove to what I’d hoped to be a less occupied area of the York County Heritage Rail Trail. (First, I drove past Brillhart Station and found too many cars in the parking lot, so I kept going). I ended up at Seven Valleys and found just a few cars, perfectly spaced. While walking I came upon mile marker 13 which prompted a flashback from last year at almost this same time. I’m posting this silly, blurry video of myself on St. Patty’s Day 2019 which will hopefully bring a smile to some of you. (Mudhook, Fire In the Glen performing)

There I was footloose and fancy free, doing my version of an Irish Jig unaware that just 2 weeks later I’d be at GBMC (a hospital in Towson, MD) emergency room being prepped for emergency surgery. I arrived at about 5:00 a.m. with severe stomach pains, guessing I either had a terrible case of gas (and how embarrassing is that?) or possibly appendicitis. Upon my arrival I noticed the ER was practically empty. I don’t recall seeing any other patients. And I was greeted by several hospital staff members who immediately took action. Although I was heavily medicated quickly thereafter, I was sent for a few scans and within an hour I was visited by a surgeon who informed me he had moved his surgeries, booked an operating room and would be taking me in for surgery within the hour. I was in surgery for a twisted colon by about 7:00 a.m. Following surgery, I was placed in a private room and cared for by a rolling staff of nurses, aides, my doctor, and an amazing physician’s assistant. I stayed for almost a week. I roamed the halls freely for exercise, had daily visitors, and excellent care. Lucky me. The surgery was on April 1, 2019.

So what’s that got to do with mile marker 13? Less than 2 weeks after my surgery I asked my boyfriend to take me for a walk at my favorite location on the rail trail. We parked at the Glatfelter Station parking lot and walked south where we passed marker 13. I took a picture of the marker just as I did yesterday and posted on facebook. I was so grateful, despite my limitations at the time, to be there.

It got me to thinking, what if my colon had held out for another year, and two weeks from now I would be taken to the emergency room for that same surgery? Everyone who’s paying attention knows the answer. Need I say more here? I don’t think so.

So, thank you to all of my people who are doing the right thing – who are doing your part. Thank you to all of the medical professionals who are working round the clock to help everyone with illnesses. Thank you to the grocery employees who are trying to keep smiles on their faces as they struggle to keep the shelves stocked. Thank you to all of the folks who are posting educational suggestions and entertainment options for our children and ourselves.

I was tempted to keep mile marker 13 a secret. After all, if everyone goes there it will be difficult to maintain social distancing. But, remember there are plenty of entry points to nature. And there are plenty of hours in the day. Take turns. Keep going if it looks crowded. Enjoy.

Here are a few pictures from my walk yesterday.

Inevitable
Finding something pretty among the brush
How things grow
Beauty in aging
Stark times
Natural Social Distancing
New perspective

Meet Morgan Hart Cinematographer

I spent more time with Morgan on and off the set than anyone involved in the filming of In Your Afterglow. We spent days upon days strategizing about how to work with a limited budget and crew, while at the same time maintaining a very tight filming schedule. I can’t emphasize enough how much pressure this puts on the guy behind the camera. Morgan’s calm and cooperative approach compliments his passion for getting the right shot. Some of my favorite moments were after long hours of filming when we would return to my house to review the day and the footage. I learned a lot from Morgan and look forward to watching his career take off.

Tell me a little about yourself.

After attending York Catholic High School in York, I moved to Philadelphia to pursue a degree at Temple University. I didn’t know what I was going for until after my first film class in my first semester. I fell in love with the art form and haven’t looked back since. Since graduating from Temple I have been working hard towards being a professional filmmaker and most specifically a cinematographer. I seek the avante-garde and the challenging.

How did you prepare for your role as cinematographer?

Communication between the team. I also studied lighting and compositions from a number of movies and TV shows that I thought would translate best for In Your Afterglow. I spent weeks before the shoot studying the camera and setting it up to achieve the cinematic look we were after.

What was your favorite experience working on the film?

Being on a new crew and collaborating with fellow creatives and visionaries is always very exciting to me. My favorite shoot day was at the Civil War house.

What skills improved during your participation in the film?

All of them! Each and every day is an opportunity to improve upon the last and master your skills.

What was your biggest challenge working on the film?

Indie budget, tiny crew. Denise my gaffer was a life-saver!

What’s next for you?

Keep building my business/brand and my portfolio while I continue to search for gigs and opportunities in the Greater Philadelphia Area.

I also shoot videography professionally (weddings, sports, events, etc.) so please feel fre to reach out if you are looking for someone! 🙂

Click the following link to see Morgan’s work in the Official Trailer for In Your Afterglow.

Click on the link below to purchase your tickets to see Morgan’s work in the Premiere of In Your Afterglow.

https://appellcenter.org/show/capfilm-in-your-afterglow

Meet Moriah Forry

Moriah Forry plays the role of Erin, the James’ family cook in the Civil War Era flashbacks. Erin is the main subject of lead character Leigh’s flashbacks, so I had a very specific image in my mind of what she “ought” to look like. I couldn’t believe my luck when I met Moriah – another amazing find of Associate Producer, Patti Stirk. Moriah epitomizes what this film is about – finding local talent and giving them an opportunity to shine.

We filmed all of the flashback scenes at the historic Dill’s Tavern in Dillsburg, PA in one day. Although the folks at the Tavern graciously agreed to allow us two days for the scenes, set-up was very complex so I felt we needed to crank through them with efficiency. We couldn’t have done so if Moriah hadn’t been so prepared and knowledgeable about her character. I asked Moriah how she prepared for her role as Erin.

First, I read the entire script so that I knew the story line. After reading the script, I focused on the lines specific to Erin as well as the others included in the same scenes. By reading everyone’s lines in the scenes I was in, I was able to better understand the tone and emotions.

Erin and I were both young and engaged to be married. This helped me to put myself into Erin’s shoes, and feel the emotions that she may have felt when she heard the news of her fiancé.

Moriah’s experience with acting came at a young age when she participated in productions at York’s DreamWrights Center for Community Arts. She is currently a registered nurse at Hanover Hospital. I asked Moriah what she does in her spare time.

I can usually be found spending time with family orexperimenting with a new recipe in the kitchen.

This didn’t surprise me. Most of her scenes involved preparing food. In the very first scene of filming I presented her with a challenge – could she knead dough? She smiled shyly, removed the dough from the bowl, and worked it like a pro.

Click the following link to see Moriah in the Official Trailer for In Your Afterglow.

Click on the link below to purchase your tickets to see Moriah in the Premiere of In Your Afterglow.

https://appellcenter.org/show/capfilm-in-your-afterglow