How I Can Do This

Several people have asked me how I know how to do these things to fix my house. I’ve put together some of my life experiences to fill you in. 

Marriage(s)

Some of you know I’ve been married a few times. What follows is in no way a jab at any of these guys. Just a little humor and a lot of life.

Clark – the marriage of my youth. 

We married young with a baby in tow. So when we settled in to York, we were pretty poor. At least it felt that way. We rented an apartment for 2 years before buying a place. That was 1983. By 1985, Ryan was a 2 and a half year old and Michael on the way. Buying the house was a big deal. We maxed out our monthly payment to get into Suburban schools, a highly rated district, planning ahead for the boys. Ryan had a real knack for spilling grape juice on the apartment carpet. Every dollar mattered. We really needed our security deposit back. So one day I decide to test a small area of the carpet, a section of the closet, with clorox. I mean clorox is the bomb. I rubbed a tiny amount on the grape juice stained carpet and whalla! The stain was gone. I set out to remove all of the other stains. I was so pleased with myself, I had just saved us the $500 deposit. I took a nap. When I awoke, the clorox had really done its job. I now had white splotches all over a brown rug. Five o’clock was approaching. Clark would be home any minute. I sat on the front door stoop waiting. When he pulled in, all I could say was “Please just remember, I’m pregnant.” He walked into the apartment and didn’t say a word. We lost 1/2 of our deposit.

(Clorox will become a big part of my life all these years later, but now I know where to use it.)

Fast forward to 1986. We are now living in the house. Picture orange and some other color that pretended to be yellow shag carpet. Remember that? There’s a theme here with carpet. Life is full of themes.

One day I decided to peak underneath. Wow! Beautiful old hardwoods. Sooo removing the carpet became my project. The problem: I had no idea just how heavy carpet could be. I pulled up and rolled half of the living room and couldn’t budge it from there. Ut oh. I couldn’t finish the job before he came home from work. Five o’clock rolled around, so back I was sitting on the front porch. This time I wasn’t pregnant. Clark pulled up. I said “Wait til you see what I discovered!” In typical Clark fashion, he took a look, rolled his eyes ever so slightly and went to work on the rest. Another pattern, I’d start a project, get myself into trouble and Clark would bail me out. 

After our divorce, I was living in the house, going to grad school and feeling poor – again. I wanted to convert the shed to a home office- the original she-shed. With no Clark to save me I had to figure it out. This was my first project and when I learned to drywall

Lex – the marriage that lasted 3 months.

I learned one thing during this brief 30-something something.

At all cost. Find humor.

Keith – the marriage that bought the farm

We did a lot. No kidding. I learned more in that 14 year period than I realized. 

Engaged in 2003, it was time for both of us to leave Suburban and start fresh. I’d had enough of suburbia and wanted to be either a country or city mouse. I really didn’t care which, I just wanted a new experience. We looked around. At first it was fun. Keith wanted to see what the real estate landscape looked like. After a few weekends of driving around with a map – yes I said a map – and getting car sick, I said, “OK, you can go learn the real estate landscape all you want, if you find something I just want veto power.” 

Shortly thereafter, I saw an ad in the Sunday paper – yes the Sunday paper – for an open house at this small farm. I asked if he wanted to go. We did. As we walked though the house – a house that needed a lot of work, fields, old out buildings, a collapsed bank barn. I fell in love with the place. But the thing was, Keith wanted to travel and I thought this place would become a burden. So I didn’t say much. We were recently engaged, I guess that’s why I keep my mouth shut. As we walked the fields, he began calling it ours. I was surprised, but thrilled. We bought the farm and spent years turning it into a showpiece. I helped with the demo. We lived with a sink in the kitchen. We ate cereal for breakfast and ate out for dinner for months. I didn’t do any of the rebuild. We left that to 2 main guys. Half the house was log and Keith wanted to expose them so we hired a log house expert. The first time he came to the house we asked what to do. His response: “Let the house speak to you.” Oh it spoke alright. Then there was Mitch. I love Mitch. He had been our handyman at the old house, but had become our major contractor. He is a brilliant carpenter. Both men were artists. The guys didn’t let me do any of the work. Not even the painting. All I did was pick everything. Design. And I did good. What the guys didn’t know was that I studied them. I watched. I watched as the log guy moved huge logs to create new walls. I watched Mitch build beautiful built-ins and stunning 5 layered crown molding. I watched them solve the myriad of problems they inevitably encountered. Watching is easy. But it sinks in. Eleven years at the farm. Eleven years of renovations. It was lovely.

Here’s the thing. I paid attention. Make no mistake, we still travelled extensively during those years. I’ve lost track of the number of countries. I used to say Keith would sleep on dirt as long as he was doing what he loved. I didn’t get that. Now I do.

Flying solo-unmarried and finding my way. 

Now it’s 2017. 

I’m poor again. Teaching adjunct philosophy anywhere I can find classes and attempting to sell real estate. A bit out of sorts, I decided the best place for me was to return to my old hood. Suburban. I dreaded renting. I needed roots. I needed a home. I wasn’t sure I’d qualify for a mortgage so I hedged my bets and checked out the rental market. I stumbled upon a real fixer upper that was listed for rent.The small rancher was a mess. Mold in the basement. Everything that could leak did. The hardwoods were filthy and rough. I can’t even talk about the bathrooms. The weeds were as tall as the house. But the lot was a gem. I contacted the rental agency and asked them to tell the owner I wanted to buy it. The place was being destroyed by renters and needed a new owner. Me. I knew in my heart this was going to be mine. I went to a local bank and asked what they could do for me. I was a good risk. They agreed. It was time for me to buy my first home – alone.

I bought the place in late November and hired a guy to remediate the mold. I was staying at Ryan’s in Cockeysville at that time. Michael and Dee came home for the Christmas holiday so we all drove up to see the house. I was excited to show the kids my purchase. They were worried- but pretended not to be. This was NOT the farm. This was not what mom had become accustomed to. This place was a mess. But I knew I could fix it. After the toxins from the mold removal dissipated, I began. I commuted from Cockeysville daily to work on the house. My first project was to attack the hardwoods. No I’d never used a sander before, but how hard could it be to push a machine around? Silly me. Two different sanders because the first one didn’t do the job, oodles of sand paper because I couldn’t figure out how to wrap it around the drum, several days of tears because – well just because. I can’t remember how many days it took. After the floors, I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. I picked at peeling paint, patched cracks, installed new appliances then moved in. I spent the month of February painting, while living in the house. By March the house was in great shape. For a few minutes. 

In like a lion, out like a lamb. March. 

It was late in the afternoon. I was on a ladder painting my bedroom and talking on the phone with a friend when I heard – and felt – a loud boom. The lion was roaring. I darted outside to see what happened. And there it was, one of the towering pines had stopped towering and landed on the attached garage-and my new car. I just stood there stunned. My neighbor had heard the crash and came over to see if I was ok. He was carrying his first evening cocktail. My response, “Yes, I’m ok,” pointing to his glass, “but I may need one of those.”

They invited me for dinner that night. Good neighbors are important and another theme. 

I wasn’t the only home owner with wood where it didn’t belong. The storm was a doozy, leaving downed trees and power lines everywhere. You know what that means. No one is available to fix things. Everyone has insurance claims. But I was a dog with a bone. Relentless. I found some folks to remove the tree- or most of it the next day. I immediately called my insurance company and placed claims on both the house and the car. I found a contractor I liked. The work began. I thought it was all under control. 

It wasn’t. 

A full year passed before the final outside light was attached to the entirely rebuilt garage. I lost count of the claim adjusters-field and desk. I lost count of the new issues that arose as the contractors found more problems. I lost count of the number of phone calls I had to make. But in the end, I didn’t lose. By spring of the following year, the house had a totally new roof, all new siding, and a solid garage. The house was transformed, no longer the eye sore of the neighborhood. I didn’t lose. I won. Was it stressful? Absolutely. I didn’t ask that tree to fall on my house. In fact, afterwards, with every approaching storm, I’d walk out back and stare at the remaining 12 towering pines along the row and worry it would happen again. I had tree experts assess the likelihood. You know what they said? Maybe. Maybe not. I lived in fear for five years. In 2022, ironically just before selling the house, I had them all removed. No more house disasters right? 

Here’s what I learned from that experience and what would become ever so important for my survival post Ian. And by survival I mean mental, emotional and financial. Ian was a thousand times worse than that little lioness storm which translates to a gazzillion more claims, a gazzillion more problems, a gazzillion more phone calls. I learned I have to fight to get – not what I deserve – what I simply paid for. I paid for insurance. I signed a contract. I held up my end of the contract by paying. It was now their turn to abide by the agreement. They were busy. There were disconnects between adjusters. There were new issues. I learned patience. (I don’t really think it was patience – more like tenacity) Documentation. Follow up-constantly. All of these things would be critical post Ian.

The little rancher story doesn’t end there. After the house was finally repaired, there was still one nagging problem. I’d avoided it, patched it, painted over it but could no longer deny it. The living room wall next to the fireplace was deteriorated from a long standing leak. Somewhere. I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from nor could anyone else. Some speculated water was seeping though the chimney cracks. Some thought those things that overlap the chimney weren’t fastened properly. But I had a new roof and the contractors assured me nothing was leaking from their end. So, I caulked the cracks on the outside of the chimney. Then I demo’d the interior wall and everything above the mantle. I thought for sure I’d find a clue within the bare walls. I thought the house would speak to me. But it stared back silently. A mystery. With that in mind, I simply couldn’t pay someone to fix the wall that could ultimately deteriorate again. So I took it on myself. When demo’ing it, I found a dangling electrical line. I had no clue whether it was live. I don’t meddle with electricity. Never will. I called in an expert for that. It turned out not to be hot but he removed it so the wall was clear for repair. 

Here’s what I learned from that project. 

  1. You need good tools. 
  2. Drywall is freaking heavy.
  3. At the age of late 50’s I wasn’t as strong as I used to be.
  4. When a friend pops over and offers to help. Accept it.

The wall got repaired and the leaks stopped.

Movies, Covid, Puzzles and Painting

Many of you know I wrote and produced an indie movie in 2020. Ok so here’s the thing about that. People asked me then – but why are you doing it? Do you want to make money? Is this your new career? What’s your goal? Why? Why? Why? I didn’t really have an answer. I just wanted to do it. Wasn’t that enough? I wanted to try it. Have you met me??? That’s what I do. I try stuff. Trying new things is fun. Trying new things is challenging. Trying new things teaches you a lot about yourself. 

Trying new things is how and why I can do what I’m doing now.

Here’s what I’m most proud of about the movie. Not the writing. Not the acting. (Of course better would have been – well – better.) What I’m most proud of is the incredible effort and coordination it took to pull it off. Scheduling. Recruiting talent. Finding locations. Sequencing. Smiling. 

Project management. Period. At this, I humbly claim to be pretty darn good. 

Less than two weeks after the premiere of the movie Covid hit. Isolation. Loneliness. Masks. Sanitizing groceries. I could have used the time to write. I could have used the time to learn something new. I didn’t. I watched a lot of TV. Played virtual poker. Lived in Pjs. Watched the numbers on CNN. And worked on jigsaw puzzles. Did I mention loneliness? I was not unique. Covid took a toll on many. 

Here’s what I learned through the worst of Covid. 

  1. Sometimes you gotta go it alone.
  2. Masks are not that bad. And protective wear is a good idea.
  3. Although the news “tried to inform us” sometimes you have to make important judgment calls – that work for you. 
  4. I really like puzzles – all kinds except crossword. 
  5. I was not spending another cold winter in Pennsylvania.

After Covid calmed down a bit and things began to open up, I was still a bit discombobulated. I wasn’t writing but I needed a creative outlet. I pulled out an old sketch pad and started drawing. I sent one or two pieces to my friend Patti who is always cheering me on in any of my pursuits. She insisted I meet a local artist and take a few lessons. I met Brenda Wintermyer summer 2021. I fell in love. With Brenda. With painting. Brenda has the coolest vibe, not to mention incredible talent. Painting was my new thing. I was obsessed. I wasn’t bad. A few pieces turned out pretty good. A lot weren’t. I didn’t care. I was enjoying it. I was learning. I didn’t feel so lonely. 

Here’s what I learned from painting.

  1. You don’t have to be perfect at everything.
  2. You can paint over it. Again and again.
  3. When you find an expert at something, absorb everything you can. 
  4. Don’t be embarrassed by your work. 

How I landed on Sanibel doesn’t really matter. Suffice to say I went all in. I bought my little piece of paradise March 2022. I spent just a few months here then came home to PA and NY for the summer. When I returned to PA I decided it was time to sell the little rancher, give most of my worldly possessions to Ryan, and become a full-time Floridian. It felt right. It still does.

Ian hit Sanibel September 28th. Alan and I packed the car with as many tools and supplies as he could think of. Notice I said “as he could think of.” I wasn’t super clearheaded at the time. During the drive south, I called and interviewed at least 10 boat captains to reserve a boat to get out to the island. The bridge was broken, but you probably already know that. 

October 7th, only nine days post Ian, Alan and I met Captain Connor Gear at a yacht club in Ft. Myers and began our journey to the wreckage. 

Ironically traveling across the bay in debris filled waters was more scary for me than wondering what my home would look like, but Connor did everything he could to make me feel safe and Alan held me tight calming me ever so slightly. 

Connor anchored the boat on the bay side, helped us unload our supplies, and we began the one mile walk to Periwinkle Park. Wearing muck boots, backpacks and carrying all of our supplies, we slowly made our way along Bailey Road to Periwinkle Way. The park is not far now. The devastation already so incredibly evident. As we turned into the park, a ghost town, I had to stop, for just a moment. I was about to see my home. 

Walking along Main St., I passed so many devastated trailers, I prepared myself for the worst. 

Finally, after nine days of not knowing, I was about to know. Turning down 4w I could immediately see my house was still there and the exterior didn’t look bad. I felt this little tinge of relief. Skirting strewn across – well everywhere – spouting partially ripped off rested on the small palm tree, the porch light was topsey and my neighbor’s tree rested somewhat gingerly on the side of the house. Some damage there for sure, nothing major. 

It was then I thought I forgot the key to the house. As if breaking a window would have mattered, I momentarily panicked. All of the planning to get there and I was locked out. But I didn’t forget it. The mind plays tricks. 

I unlocked the door and walked into mud filled, mold growing, displaced furniture (displaced doesn’t quite describe it). Alan looked at me, expecting I suppose that I’d start crying. I didn’t. I simply said, “Let’s get to work. Everything goes.”

I won’t detail everyday since then. There’s just too much between  October 7th and now February 2, 2023. Here’s a list, though, and here’s where I’m at as of now.

3 increments of demo over multiple days. I barely remember.

Daily phone calls, texts and emails to insurance adjusters and insurance examiners. A dog with a bone, I was relentless.

Periodic movement between friends, family and condo jumping. Packing and unpacking. 

Waiting for insurance.

Waiting for insurance.

Waiting for insurance.

Waiting for insurance.

Waiting for insurance.

It took too long.

Hiring electrician, hvac, and general contractor.

Waiting for insurance. You get the drift.

Getting results of insurance. 

Making the decision to do much of the work on my own.

Home for the holidays.

Return to Florida with my car, packed this time, with repair tools, not demo tools.

Another condo.

Daily commutes to the island, stopping first at Home Depot for supplies. 

2×4’s straddled from windshield to rear. Screws in the hundreds. 

Building walls, spraying Kilz on the interior shell walls. Insulation. Drywall. New closets. Taping. Mudding.

I’m living here now. 

I have, in order of importance, a coffee maker, mattress, toilet, laundry, refrigerator, 3 spoons, 1 fork, 3 knives, 1 plate, 1 bowl, 1 coffee mug, 1 wine glass (maybe that should have come earlier), 3 rusty chairs, 3 folding tables, a myriad of GOOD tools. 

Very good neighbors who constantly lend me a hand with heavy drywall or advice.

I have all I need at the moment.

The house was a giant jigsaw puzzle. I’ve almost put the last pieces together.  I’m so close. 

I’m tired. But I’m so close.

I’ll do the floors next. Soon. 

I’ll sleep in dirt for a little longer.

I’ll brush my teeth and spit into the road a little longer.

I’ll wear a mask a little longer.

I’ll paint over what isn’t perfect. 

I’ll ask for help when I need it.

I’ll accept help when it’s offered.

I’ll spend my winter where I belong. Right here in my little piece of paradise.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 11

From Chapter 14 Dealing with Anxiety and Building Self-Esteem


“It is estimated that in the course of a lifetime at least one in four Americans will suffer from a debilitating degree of anxiety or worry severe enough to meet the criteria for the medical diagnosis of an anxiety disorder…but even those who never suffer from a pathological or disabling state of anxiety will, at one time or another, experience excessive levels of worry and anxiety that serve no useful purpose and do nothing but undermine their happiness and interfere with their happiness and interfere with their ability to accomplish their goals.” P. 263

Amen to that
The Dalai Lama’s answers to this.
“If the situation or problem is such that it can be remedied, then there is no need to worry about it.” P. 268 Focus on the solution.
“Alternatively, if there is no way out, no solution, no possibility of resolution, then there is also no point in being worried about it, because you can’t do anything about it anyway.” P. 268
Tall order. Again. How?
“Having proper motivation and honesty are the keys to overcoming those kinds of fears and anxieties.” p. 270
This needs some translating.
What do we often feel anxiety about? Let’s consider a few examples.

  1. Are my children going to succeed? We often worry about our kids. We want them to succeed. To have a better life even than our own. Here I believe the Dalai Lama would say that to some extent we can influence this outcome but additionally we have to define what we mean by success…given all of this book, we might have to rethink that. Money, great jobs, etc. are all material things which we know don’t necessarily bring happiness so how will we define success? The motivation he mentions is motivation driven by altruism (not greed or material things). Furthermore, there is only so much we can do to influence their success so we have to let the rest go.
  2. Are my children safe? Same answer as above. Some of you know my youngest son has done some “extreme” rope climbing. It’s scary for a parent. However, I actually developed a strategy to help cope with this anxiety. 1. Know he’s a very technical guy who has done the research and preparation for his climbs. 2. Talk about it after he goes….I don’t always want to know about the trip ahead of time. Since there’s nothing I can do about it, it’s sometimes best not to know about it until he’s home safe.
  3. Will I have enough money to pay my bills? Most of us can do something about this right?
  4. Will he still love me if I….(fill in the blank)? This one comes back to the “attachment” issue and is perhaps the most difficult to overcome for some…but I also think this one is sometimes a question of “will I still love myself if I….” and there’s definitely something one can do about that.
  5. I try, but I can’t help everyone and this fills me with anxiety. Here the Dalai Lama specifically suggests examining your successes and feeling good about those rather than your perceived failures. This leads to the next section of the chapter – self-esteem (which specifically relates to self-expectations).
    What’s on your list?

Honesty as an antidote to low self-esteem or inflated self-confidence


The range of self-esteem from low to “over confidence” or arrogance. Self-image. How does one distinguish between arrogance and valid self-confidence? “One could think in terms of the consequences of one’s attitude – conceit and arrogance generally lead to negative consequences whereas a healthy self-confidence leads to more positive consequences.


What is an antidote to pride (conceit)? “One antidote is to reflect upon the diversity of disciplines that you may have no knowledge of…I think honesty and self-confidence are closely linked…the more honest you are, the more open, the less fear you will have, because there’s no anxiety about being exposed or revealed to others…”p 280 Furthermore, when it comes to over-confidence, honesty about one’s true capabilities comes in to play. Those with inflated egos are often no happy or are disappointed when the fail to achieve something that was realistically out of their grasp to begin with.

Fearless and honest self-appraisal can be a powerful weapon against self-doubt and low self-confidence.

Notice that anxiety and self-doubt are closely linked. Self-doubt really seems to be related to thoughts such as “am I good enough” “what if I can’t do such and such” “what if they don’t like me” Which then leads to anxiety. All of these things, according to the Dalai Lama can be resolved by combining the first set of strategies mentioned above (only worry about those things with a solution) as well as combining an honest appraisal of yourself. An honest appraisal does seem to require an acceptance of limitations which can be daunting in itself, but the alternative is having the perspective of “I’m just not good enough” which will then lead to unhappiness. Acceptance and humility are largely at play here.

On the otherhand, what about arrogance. It’s hard for me to see that others recognize their own arrogance. And if they do, it seems rare they want to do anything about it. Yet, there are some who, while going through their own self-exploration, may begin to recognize it in themselves.

I’ve known quite a few arrogent folks. And the predominant factors I’ve observed are that they are arrogent because they feel like they are experts in something or they are super accomplished at something. I loved the Dalai Lama’s anetdote to this. Recognize how much you don’t know. I’d go one step further and say – then try to learn something new and see how hard it is. It’s quite humbling.

It’s important to notice here that the arrogence of others can cause others unhappiness, but the focus in this section is the unhappiness that arrogence causes the arrogent one. Arrogence often leads to unrealistic expectations which then leads to disappointment. Again the solutions is honest self-assessment. Learning humility.

Thanks for reading. Next week I’ll summarize and write some final remarks. Would love to hear from you. Have a happy weekend.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 10

I was going to finish this series with one final entry but have decided on at least 2 more. This one will be brief.

From Chapter 13 Dealing with Anger and Hatred

Cutler discusses anger, hatred, anxiety and self-esteem in the final chapters of the book. What they all have in common is the debilitating effects these “feelings” can have both mentally and physically.
Regarding hatred and anger, he seems to have lumped the 2 together as one. In an earlier post, I wrote that I don’t really feel hatred which I said was a very strong word. However, I have felt anger and can now see a link between this feeling of anger and a feeling of hatred. Although, I can’t say it’s hatred toward a person but instead toward an action of a person or of a type of action in general. For example, I hate when someone lies to me and I hate the existence of lying but I don’t feel hatred for this person. I do get angry at the person doing the lying. You might be wondering why it matters – what’s the significance of differentiating these two. I think the main point is that if we are going to try to identify negative emotions and eliminate them, we have to define for ourselves what we are feeling. This way, when we are feeling these negative emotions we can say to ourselves “Oh wait, that’s anger (for example). I recognize that. It’s coming from situation x. I’ve felt this before. Feeling this way doesn’t do me any good, and in fact it raises my blood pressure, clouds my judgement, causes me to do dumb actions in response, etc. etc.”


According to the Dalai Lama, “The only factor that can give you refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is your practice of tolerance and patience.” P. 254


Going back to my example of lying, I have to say it has become the biggest point of anger for me. And I feel justified in this anger. I mean it’s just plain WRONG to lie. Lying causes confusion for those to whom one lies. Lying is a convenient means to avoid uncomfortable situations or negative responses to the truth. Lying prevents others from the freedom of choice that the truth provides. So I stand on my high horse and feel justified in being angry at the liar. If I accept someone’s lie am I not being WEAK? Gullible?
What would the Dalai Lama say about that?
“Since patience or tolerance comes from an ability to remain firm and steadfast and not be overwhelmed by the adverse situations or conditions that one faces, one should not see tolerance or patience as a sign of weakness, or giving in, but rather as a sign of strength, coming from a deep ability to remain firm. Responding to a trying situation with patience and tolerance rather than reacting with anger and hatred involves active restraint, which comes from a strong, self-disciplined mind.” P. 257
Further, “…there is a very close connection between humility and patience. Humility involves having the capacity to take a more confrontational stance, having the capacity to retaliate if you wish, yet deliberately deciding not to…that is what I call genuine humility.” P. 257

This is not to say that I have to rescind my moral objection to lying, but how I react to the situation. For a long time, I’ve struggled with this distinction and it has proven to do exactly what the evidence suggests – it causes physical illness, poor judgement, and some actions that lead to bad consequences.

Thus implimenting the aforementioned principles for change (previous blog post) will help to combat this major influencer in the unhappiness factor.

It also doesn’t mean I have to tolerate continued lying from the same person over and over and just put up with it. If compassionate, calm but firm responses to someones negative actions (that they are not ok with you) don’t change the person’s actions I believe the Dalai Lama would say in this sort of case where there’s just nothing you can do about it, you simply have to “forget it” and in this case I believe he would say to walk away from this person.

What sorts of things make you angry? Do you feel hatred about anything? Do you see a benefit to recognizing these feelings as a hindrance to your happiness?

In the next 2 blog posts you will read about Anxiety and self-esteem and then my final reflections about the book. These will be published next week. I’m heading to Maryland for a big dose of family happiness.

Thanks for reading. Love, Trish

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 9

I’ve got Good News and I’ve got Bad News…The Bad News...Change Ain’t Quick or Easy

From Chapter 12 – Bringing About Change

The Process of Change

First a reminder of what exactly we are trying to do/change: Eliminate our negative behaviors and states of mind.

The necesssary elements

Learning

Conviction

Determination

Action

Effort

Learning – becoming educated about the negative behaviors. Easy example – you want to quit smoking – we all know the dangers of smoking, but in the past these health risks were not as commonly known so someone who wanted to quit smoking might have had to do more research. Better example for day’s culture – drinking alcohol. The U.S. is an alcohol drenched culture. We are full of rationalizations about our alcohol consumption – everything from articles about how GOOD a glass of wine is for you to comparing yourself with your closest friends (“Well at least I drink less than so and so.”) To saying to yourself – I worked hard today, I deserve this. If you want to stop or cut back on drinking, do some research – learn about the real health consequences, take a look at how much you are spending (how it’s impacting your monthly budget, examine how you feel in the morning and research what that actually means, etc. That part is easy. After you find out the truth, making the change is much more difficult and requires the other elements…

“No matter what behavior you are seeking to change, no matter what particular goal or action you are directing your efforts towards, you need to start b developong a strong willingness or wish to do it. You need to generate great enthusiasm. And, here, a sense of urgency is a key factor.” p. 220-221

For the Buddhist, but also for our Western culture, this sense of urgency can come from a realization of our own IMPERMANCE and the preciousness of the human/material body we occupy. But what if that doesn’t provide the “energy” we need to make the change?

The Dalai Lama’s rely was interesting. He referred to the potential reasons for the LACK of energy/enthusiasm. In other words, if we are not enthusiastic about making changes that will create positive results, there must be reason. He sites a few reasons. The first is biological. We are “apathetic” to making positive changes possibly due to lack of sleep, unhealthy diet, alcohol, etc. The second is mental. Mental apathy. In order to eliminate the mental apathy he recommends reminding ourselves of the negative consqueneces of our negative behaviors and states of mind. So how do we do that?

Bad behaviors are simply bad habits. “By using habitution to our advantage. Through constant familiarity, we can definitely establish new behavior patterns…by making a steady effort, I think we can overcome any form of negative conditioning and make positive changes in our lives. But the genuine change doesn’t happen overnight.” p. 224-225

So there you have it. The bad news. It doesn’t seem that we are going to get a quick fix here. But we all knew that right? But let’s plug forward…

“Essentially, there are two kinds of emotions or states of mind: positive and negative.” Positive emotions can be justified and negative emotions cannot be justified. Positive emotions have a solid foundation. Negative emotions don’t. Example – our desire for basic survival needs can be viewed as a positive emotion and because everyone wants to survive (and has the right to survival) that desire can be justified and has a strong foundation (positive emotion). Excess and greed have no solid basis – we don’t need this – so they have no justification and no foundation (negative emotion). The ‘antedote’ to negative states of mind (also here referred to delusions/afflications of the mind) is the development of mental qualities such as patience, tolerance, and kindness, love and compassion.

All of this might be attainable to a Buddhist monk, but what about the rest of us?

Making an effort with realistic expectations are the final factors. The next part of the chapter is very dense and makes too many references to specific Buddhist practices for me to get into here. However, the basic (and once again common sense answer) looks like this. We have to be realistic about how quickly changes will come about. If we set ideals and expect to meet these idealic goals, not only will we fail, but we will feel UNHAPPY. Defeated. Makes total sense.

Much of this chapter reminded me of two pieces I taught in my Intro class called Pascal’s Wager written by Blaise Pascal and The Will to Believe written by William James.

Pascal’s Wager is essentially a dialogue between Pascal and a non-believer in which Pascal frames belief in God as a wager. He argues that one ought to chose to believe in God because the payoff for beleiving is an INFINITE/eternal life (in the afterlife with God) while the wager/stake is merely a finite life of practicing and living the life of faith. So, whatever one might have to give up in this finite life to be a believer, is well worth the infinite payoff for believing. The non-believer (one who chooses not to believe) may enjoy this finite life but the infinite loss (after death) is misery. As the conversation continues, the non-believer objects, stating, one doesn’t simply just snap their fingers and start believing. To this Pascal responds, go to church and act as though you believe and eventually you will believe.

I mention this not because I’m encouraging belief in Catholicism or Buddhism, rather because those final thougts about acting like you believe and eventually you will, always stuck with me. My students scoffed at this by the way. “Fake it til you make it” they’d say. But something tells me that if you want to change habits, even if you don’t really think you can, you have to act like you do.

James’ article makes a Pragmatic argument for having religious belief. His article is in response to a group call “Absolutists” who argued that you shouldn’t believe in ANYTHING without the possiblity of gathering sufficient EVIDENCE. Thus, since faith or religious belief runs counter to actual evidence (I know some of you will disagree with this as well), the Absolutists argue that it’s just totally wrong to believe and causes all kinds of harms to society. James’ on the other hand makes a case that believing certain things – those things for which there is no clear evidence like religion and morality – are not only possible, but could prove to be beneficial. He further claims that decisions about belief are rooted in 2 emotions, either fear or hope. He says some opt not to beleive out of fear of being duped (if there’s no evidence or if God doesn’t actually exist, I’ll look like a fool for beleiving). While others opt to beleive based on the hope of something eternally good. Ultimately if beleiving is an option (here is gets more specific and you’d have to read the article for that) for you than, why not chose hope over fear.

Again, I’m not using this article to convince you to take on a religious belief. Not my thing. But I’ve always loved the idea of choosing Hope over Fear. I’ve recently been challenged with believing in someone close to me. Some think I’m nuts for chosing to have faith in this person. I have definitely had moments when I feel “foolish” for believing. But I do. I’ve chosen hope instead of fear.

This book, though I’m not finished yet, has presented me (and you readers) with a way toward a richer life of happiness. It’s clearly all up to me. It feels like a daunting task and it feels too late in some respects. Did I mention I’m 61? Ha! And yet, I think I have a choice to believe in myself AND OTHERS around me and have hope that I can ever so slowly bring about some positive changes. For the past weeks since I started this book, I literally wake up everyday and tell myself. Be kind. Be compassionate. Then, in the middle of the day I tell myself. Be kind. Be compassionate. Then in the evening I tell myself. Be kind. Be compassionate.

There’s more to say but I have to stop for now. It’s time for my art lesson. And you are probably wondering “where’s the good news”…..To that I say, look again. 😉 Thanks for reading friends.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 8

From Chapter 10 Shifting Perspective

“The ability to look at events from different perspectives can be very helpful…It seems that often when problems arise, our outlook becomes narrow. All of our attention may be focused on worrying about the problem, and we may have a sense that we’re the only one that is going through such difficulties. This can lead to a kind of self-absorption that can make the problem seem very intense.” p 173

I’m currently taking painting lessons from a new teacher. As some of you know I dove into acrylic painting on canvas during covid. Recently I decided to switch to oil. It’s been a disaster. I have no idea what I’m doing. The canvas has been a mess. The house smells like mineral spirits. Awful. Just awful. So I found a teacher. He insisted we start from the beginning – drawing. NOT painting. Ok Ok. I said. I’ll do it. I had my first lesson last week. He had set up 2 easels side by side and a still life for us to work on together. Every few minutes, as I was drawing, he interrupted me and said “Step back and have a look.” At first, I’d take 3 steps back and he’d say, “No, come back here.” Way back. Totally different perspective. It changes everything.

I could totally relate to this idea of narrow minded thinking. I get very irritated with others when they seem to be thinking narrow-mindedly about an important issue, but I can also see myself doing it about my own life. Yuk. So, I’m thinking this week’s mantra is “Step back Trish. See the big picture.” And when you think you’ve stepped back far enough….go a little further.

“Generally speaking, once you’re already in a difficult situation, it isn’t possible to change your attitude simply by adopting a particular thought once or twice. Rather’s it’s through a process of learning, training, and getting used to new viewpoints that enables you to deal with the difficulty.” p. 176

Something to remember as I move forward with this chapter…when we speak of “events” or “problems” we are actually often talking about other people causing us pain. With this in mind the different/broader perspective might require you to try to find positive aspects in a person with whom you are having the difficulty.

“If, however, in spite of your efforts, you do not find any such positive angles or perspectives to a person’s act, then for the time being the best course of action may be to simply try to forget about it.” p 176

This leads to the next section of the chapter…A New Perspective of the Enemy

The Dalai Lama points out the futility of taking revenge on our enemy. This only leads to vicious cycle of tit for tat – if you wrong me I’ll wrong you back and so forth and so on. In this case he is referring to a more global situation in which case the enemy is another country.

In Buddhism, seeing one’s enemy as a gift and showing the enemy compassion is crucial to spiritual developement. Why a gift? The Dalai Lama explains that for the most part we don’t encounter folks who require us to practice patience (not sure I agree with this), so when we do engage with someone who does require us to practice patience, we should see this as a gift.

“In fact, the enemy is the necessary condition for practicing patience (and tolerance). Without an enemy’s action, there is no possibility for patience or tolerance to arise.” p. 179

Recall hatred is an obstacle to happiness. Having enemies is a natural occurance to the human condition. So embracing the enemy as a gift, developing patience and tolerance toward the enemy will then eliminate the hatred and foster the path toward happiness. As mentioned above if one cannot find a more positive perspective then perhaps it’s “best to forget about it.”

The term enemy is another strong word. Perhaps it’s easy to think of another country as our enemy but on a daily basis we don’t necessarily think of individuals we bump into as our enemy – yet there are definitely folks who test our patience. And, in fact, there are people who because of circumstances in a particular moment FEEL like the enemy. Cutler told a story about being extremely aggrevated by a women on a plane. He was hoping for an aisle seat but ended up in the middle and the woman next to him was really annoying him. She felt like the enemy because she simply had the seat he wanted. He was boiling with aggrevation. Having just had the converation with the Dalai Lama about the enemy he realized what he was doing and tried to have patience for this woman. It didn’t work – and he just continued to be aggrevated. Finally, he noticed her wrist and thought, “Do I hate that wrist?” No he thought. Do I hate that arm? No he thought. And so on until he realized there was nothing he actually hated about this woman. That she was just a human being sitting next to him. He came up with this little exercise to in a way sooth himself and ease his aggrevation.

I have a lot of friends who seem to see Trump or Biden as “the enemy” They seem to have extreme hatred for one or the other. I smiled a bit thinking about them seeing Trump or Biden as a precious gift to practice patience. I personally, in this instance, prefer to take the other method and “just forget about it.”

I don’t want this blog to be about politics but I do think our current and recent past political climate has caused a lot of unhappiness/suffering/hatred for many people. I’ll leave today’s post with the Dalai Lama’s wisdom. 1. Step back and see the big picture. 2. If you can’t find anything positive, forget it (at least for a while). 3. Avoid extremes. 4. Practice patience.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 7

From Chapter 9 Self-Created Suffering

I loved this chapter.

“All too often we perpetuate our own pain by replaying our hurts over and over again in our minds, magnifying our injustices in the process.” p. 150

“We also often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over reacting to minor thngs, and sometimes taking things too personally.” p. 152

Therapists call this personalizing our pain – the tendency to narrow our psychological field of vision by interpreting or misinterpreting everything that occurs in terms of its impact on us. p. 152

But it’s not fair! Many of our strongest negative feelings (suffering) comes from the feeling that something just isn’t fair. Cutler and the Dalai Lama discuss three views of resolving this. The first is the Buddhists’ perspective of Karma. Put simply, Karma explains why something happens to a person as a way to atone for past (this life or previous lives) actions so a Buddhist can see whatever is causing them pain as the result of this and better cope. Other types of believer’s, for example Christians, may choose to cope with suffering as a “part of God’s plan.” Finally, the non-believers can choose to look at a situation as objectively as possible and seek causes for the situation. Often, he states, we think of some particular situation as singly caused. For example the situation in Tibet could simply be blamed on the Chinese or the Gulf War on Saddam Hussein. However, most situations, even those far less complex are caused by multiple causes before that. Taking time to objectively assess a situation, examine the many causes that happened to create it can lessen the feeling of “unfairness”. And, taking it one step further, the Dalai Lama challenges us to examine OUR PART in the situation.

Regardless of your belief system – Buddhist, Christian, another religion or as a non-believer – one must recognize that we live in a material world. (By this I don’t mean materialistic as in I want new clothes and a new car every month. I mean we have material/physical bodies, we live in real houses on a real planet with real other physical entities – dogs, cats, stores people, grass, etc.) All of these things are impacted by cause and effect. And, rarely if ever is it a single cause producing a single effect. Some argue that our very existence in a situation alters the situation. Thus, the Dalai Lama’s challenge for us to examine our part / influence on a particular situation. I could go on and on here about cause and effect, multiple causes producing multiple effects but I’ll let you ponder the simple concept of essentially owning up to your part of a situation. That was very powerful for me. When we participate in any situation – we are a part of the outcome. OK, I had to come back to this after rereading because I missed something. We often wonder about another person’s motives for doing something. A motive is an effect of causes. So when we look at our own and others’ motives, we might want to think about “Gosh what caused him/her to be motived toward doing x, y, z?”

On Guilt/Regret. Yes, even the Dalai Lama has some regret about past situations. However, he maintains that while he still had some regret, he holds it at a distance and continues to do the best he can for others.

“Guilt arises when we convince ourselves that we’ve made an irreparable mistake. The torture of guilt is in thinking that any problem is permanent. Since there is nothing that doesn’t change, however, so too pain subsides – a problem doesn’t persist. This is the positive side of change. The negative side is that we resist change in nearly every arena of life. the beginning of being released from suffering is to investigate one of the primary causes: resistance to change.” p. 162-63

I think guilt and regret are two of the most powerful negative motivators for future actions. As a former Catholic, this has become a joke. One asks “Do you feel guilty about that?” The Catholic’s response “I’m Catholic.” AND, EVERYONE GETS IT.

But, I loved the idea of taking that guilt and moving it into a positive space for doing better in the future. Stop perpetuating the guilt with crappy behavior. Do good things and see how good it feels. Eventually, the suffering of guilt subsides (even if it doesn’t completely go away.)

The concept of impermanence…everything, literally everything, changes.

This section was perhaps the most impactful for me because so many times I’ve been told “People don’t change.” And that’s depressing for me. This section wasn’t really about this, it was more about accepting change. As in, many people RESIST change like aging, children growing up and fleeing the coup, friends moving, etc and in their resistance, they suffer.

I’m 61. I went through my biggest mental change sometime in my late 30’s – when I really needed to examine my life and behaviors. Since then I’ve changed daily. I’ve aged. I’ve learned. Unlike many, aging doesn’t bother me all that much. I tend to embrace the “wisdom that comes with age.” For me watching others resist change is more painful.

I started this book and this particular journey because I felt stuck – things seemed to be “staying the same.” BUT, they weren’t. They were changing. I just wasn’t paying attention. Now I am, and it feels better. Embrace change. Look for it. Relish in it. Make it happen.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 6

From Chapter 8 Facing Suffering

No one lives free from suffering. You can’t avoid it – and if you do, it only gets worse. It’s best to confront with as much information as you can about the situation causing the suffering. Then, you are in a better position to resolve the suffering. (You are more prepared.)

Cutler asked, what about suffering in which there is no solution such as learning you are dying of cancer. The Dalai Lama’s response was that perhaps you will be in a better position to deal/cope with this sort of suffering if you give some thought to such unavoidable situations before they happen.

“Our attitude towards suffering becomes very important because it can affect how we cope with suffering when it arises. Now our usual attitude consists of an intense aversion and intolerance of our pain and suffering. However, if we can transform our attitude towards suffering, adopt an attitude that allows us greater tolerance of it, then this can do much to help counteract feelings of mental unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and discontent.” p 140

Cutler challenged the notion as a pessimistic view of life as one in which suffering is unavoidable. The Dalai Lama’s response is “the point that has to be borne in mind is that the reason why reflection on suffering is so important is because there is a possibility of a way out; there is an alternative. There is the possibility of freedom from suffering.” p. 142

The root causes of suffering are ignorance, craving and hatred. Ignorance in this sense refers to the misperception of the true nature of the self and all phenomena. By acknowledging the existence of craving and hatred – then eliminating them – one can achieve a liberated state free from suffering. The hope of such relief from suffering is what drives the path toward happiness. Otherwise, mere reflection on suffering becomes morbid and quite negative.

Reflections

The two previous posts were difficult for me to work through, but I think I’m getting a little closer to having answers to my questions. I’ll have to save them for a later though, as today’s post is about preparing oneself for suffering through acknowledgement that we are “bound” to suffer at some point. From the simple examples I gave last post to something a difficult as facing the prospect of aging and dying, we are going to suffer (or at least experience emotional pain).

What this section feels like for me is akin to developing a mental toughness or preparedness about the realities of life as a human being. Rather than seeing ourselves as victims of one sort of suffering or another, the acknowledgement that we will suffer SOMETHING is our reality. When the Dalai Lama speaks about the true nature of the self, I think this is what he means. Further, once we see that we will suffer from something – this something tends to comes from lacking what we crave or feeling hatred toward someone who has violated us or someone we care about. Here’s a brief list. What can you add?

Craving love

Craving belonging

Craving freedom

Craving acceptance

Craving adventure

Craving sex

Craving a good job/financial stability

Craving a new car

Craving connection

Craving warm weather

Some of these cravings seem to be NATURAL to humans while others are specific to conditioning. In any case, an unfulfilled craving causes some level of discomfort. Furthermore fulfilling some cravings is temporary and simply leads us to other cravings and discomfort. I don’t think we can eliminate these cravings entirely – in fact I’m sure of it, but I do see value in recognizing them as such, eliminating some and learning how to cope (mental toughness) with those we can eliminate to feel less pain when they are not fulfilled.

Hatred of an oppressor (notice I’m not saying hatred of oppression/the concept of oppression)

Hatred of a liar

Hatred of a killer

Hatred of a rapist

Hatred of a political leader

Hatred of a discriminator

Hatred of What else?

Hatred is a much stronger negative feeling. I have to admit I don’t think I’ve felt hatred. Anger perhaps, but not hatred. It’s easy to understand, though, how someone who has been oppressed can feel hatred toward an individual or group. But, it’s also easy to see how such hatred can cause suffering. Which would be worse – the actual oppression or the hatred of the oppressor? I think the Dalai Lama would say the feeling of hatred toward the oppressor would cause more suffering than the oppression itself. Remember being happy or unhappy has very little to do with absolute conditions, rather it is a function of how we perceive our situation. (p. 22 revisited)

Coming up next, Chapter 9 Self-Created Suffering.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 5

From Chapter 7 Defining Compassion “Compassion can be roughly defined in terms of a state of mind that is nonviolent, nonharming, and nonaggressive. It is a mental attitude based on the wish for others to be free of their suffering and is associated with a sense of commitment, responsibility and respect towards the other.” p. 114

Notice nothing above mentions feeling sorry for another person or oneself. NON violent, NON harming, NON aggressive. Compassion, seems to begin with the ABSENCE of certain negative feelings then melds with a desire for others to be free of suffering and goes further to promote a sense of commitment to do something to help eliminate any potential suffering of other and the self.

Two types of Compassion. Compassion tinged with attachment – the feeling of controlling someone, or loving someone so that person WILL LOVE YOU BACK. Compassion free from attachment – Genuine compassion – based on the rational that all human beings have an innate desire to be happy and overcome suffering just like me. This desire makes us all equal. So when someone feels like the enemy remember this equality.

Cutler acknowledged this seems like a very tall order. I agree. How in the world could we EVER get to UN-ATTACHED compassion. I mean certainly it’s possible to be compassionate toward strangers in this way, but do we not want to be loved back by friends, family and significant others?

At this point, I want to throw up my hands and say – well forget it. I’m NOT capable of this. I’m NOT a Buddhist. I’m 61 years old, I’ll never get this.

Take a breathe Trish. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Step back. Dissect again. Look for something to zero in on that makes sense to you.

OK Examples.

  1. A very good friend calls you and tell you her husband has cancer. This is easy. There’s no need to practice feeling non violent, non harming, non aggressive before getting to the point of feeling that you want to relieve your friend’s suffering. You quickly move to the committed, responsible, “what can I do to help, listen, be there.” It’s easy to think about how I’d feel if I had to face the awfulness of my husband having cancer. I can relate without feeling any of the mentioned negative emotions because it’s NOT my husband it’s someone else’s.
  2. I find out a friend’s daughter is getting married and has not invited me. I’m hurt. One the day of the wedding, a severe storm moves in ruining all of the outside preparations for the wedding. My friend is suffering because she had spent a lot of time preparing for the wedding. Again, it might not be very difficult, no matter how hurt I was, to generate feelings of compassion for my friend. Perhaps I’ve given some consideration to the overall expense of weddings and have reconciled that although we are friends she had others closer to her daughter she needed to invite. Certainly I don’t have violent or aggressive feelings towards her. Yet, I might not feel it’s MY responsibility to help eliminate her suffering. Conversely, I could go further and offer a helping hand knowing how disappointing if would be if the situation happened me.
  3. I find out my significant other is cheating on me. Yep there it is. That violent, aggressive F-you A-hole. I can’t possibly feel compassion for you at the moment you son of a b — . Wow. I’m so hurt. I’m so angry ———————-

Breathe. Think. What is the answer here?

Most of us are simply not prepared for something like this when it happens. We’re surprised. We haven’t been “practicing” compassion. We have kids to think of. We wonder how did we miss this? We feel betrayed. We feel like life is unfair. We wonder what we did to cause this. What’s the matter with me?

Even if we felt compassion at some point toward our significant other, it’s almost certainly going to be attachment compassion. Compassion linked with the idea of being loved back.

I think there’s only one way to go here. Cheating is lying and lying is wrong. Lying causes negative consequences – suffering to another. Someone who is causing suffering to another person is seemingly inconsiderate, lacking compassion, ignorant (more on this later). But I think the Dalai Lama would say that someone who is causing suffering is suffering themselves. That’s the heart of it. SOMEONE WHO IS CAUSING SUFFERING IS SUFFERING THEMSELVES. They have engaged in an action that provided short term pleasure (not long term happiness) and at the same time have caused negative consequences of harming other(s).

So then, if we are to show “unattached compassion” we need to eliminate the “I want to be loved back”. We need to eliminate the aggression, violence, harming thoughts. We need to try to understand THEIR suffering. We need to see them as human beings just like us. We need to find our commonality. We need to show up responsibly and allow them some dignity to recover and make compassionate choices of their own.

Wow. That is a tall order.

I came up with 3 examples, the first 2 were rather easy to transition into compassion. Then I jumped to a much more difficult situation. I wonder, reader, what examples can you come up with in which feeling compassion seems easy and in which showing compassion feels impossible? What about my example 3? Would you feel prepared at this moment if something such as this happened to you to show compassion toward your significant other?

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 4

From Chapter 6 Continuing with Relationships

Three factors in developing compassion. 1. Empathy is the ability to appreciate another’s suffering. How to do it…remind yourself of the things you have in common – not the differences. You are both humans. Both have feelings. You came into the world in the same way. 2. Understand the background of others – through education in general and specific to a person. 3. Be open-minded and honest.

Next the Dalai Lama differentiates between genuine friendship and one based on power and position. A genuine friendship/relationship is one in which the underlying basis is affection with true sharing and connectedness. Not based on superficial/fleeting situations.

For a partner/romantic relationship he states the initial sexual attraction is unreliable and if one is basing the relationship on attraction, then they are relating to that person as an object not as a person. While there’s nothing wrong with sexual attraction coupled with mutual respect and dignity, attraction alone is not enough.

It takes time to get to know someone. If one is seeking to build a truly satisfying relationship, the best way of bringing this about is to get to know the deeper nature of the person and relate to her/him on that level instead of merely on the basis of superficial characteristics. Only on this level could one experience genuine compassion.

In all relationships, one must develop a capacity for responsibility and commitment – otherwise the relationship “is just for fun.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

I didn’t post this small section for a few days because I wanted to stew on it for a bit. The upcoming section the book will cover facing the fact of suffering in our lives. Once we face it, we can learn how to deal with it. Again suffering in this context seems to focus on pretty awful situations such as having a pregnancy in which the child has severe birth defects, or facing the prospect of dying. But if we think about suffering in less extreme situations, it just doesn’t feel right to call it suffering. So, I’m going to call it “things that take away from my contentment or happy state.” Relationships with others – daily interactions with other human beings – are (I think) the most common, most experienced phenomenon that contribute to our daily happiness/lack of happiness.

Everything referenced above once again sure seems like common sense. Unfortunately, common sense can’t always help us out. People do hurtful/unthinking things and we seem both surprised and unprepared for those things when they happen. This results in a not happy state for those on the receiving end of those actions. Or, because people have done hurtful things in the past – even to the point of habitually doing hurtful things – we anticipate them doing it again (in this way one would think we are “prepared for it”). In this case, one of a few things could happen. We brace ourselves for this hurtful thing (in a defensive position) then they do the hurtful thing and we feel justified for thinking “well here we go again.” But it still hurts. We haven’t actually prepared ourselves in a compassionate way. Another possibility is that instead of allowing them to do that hurtful thing, we pre-empt it with our own hurtful attack. Again, not a compassionate way. Sometimes, people do out-of-character hurtful things. Or strangers do hurtful things. All of these situations lead to “things that take away from my contentment or happy state.” How can we help ourselves avoid this in each of these circumstances? Here’s my list (incorporating the 3 factors above).

  1. approach new relatIonships with an open mind
  2. learn as much as you can about those you surround yourself with
  3. take your time, don’t jump to conclusions (positive or negative) too quickly
  4. find others who are as willing as you to have honest, committed relationships
  5. learn from previous hurtful situations and accept compassionately what might be an exception to someone’s ”bad behavior”
  6. accept that some humans through their conditioning may continue to do hurtful things
  7. WAIT now what? Do I eliminate these folks from my life? or continue to expose myself with compassion and acceptance?

This is why it’s taken me a few days to post. 7 gets me every time. Perhaps I’ll find an answer as I continue to read the book. What do you think?

Today’s photo – me with my dear friend from 1972 (?) – until today. Genuine. Open. Compassionate. Committed. Clearly contributing to my happiness. This friendship has been 50 years in the making. It doesn’t get much better than this.

The Art of Happiness – Excerpts and Reflections 3

Just a quick format update…for today. (Please tolerate the change as it seems to make sense today) Excerpts will be in black generally and my reflections will be intermingled in purple.

From Chapter 4 The fundamental (human) nature is to seek happiness; and human nature is one of gentleness and compassion. So we ought to live in accordance with what is most natural to us.

So how does he account for aggressive behavior? He argues, aggression arises out of frustration when we don’t achieve love and affection. Furthermore, aggression comes from the misuse of human intelligence. We began as compassionate creatures but due to our physical weaknesses (compared to other creatures), we needed to evolve into intelligent creatures to survive. Thus intelligence left unchecked caused less compassion and affection. Further, he states, when human intelligence and human goodness are used together, all human actions become constructive.

Consider three views of human nature 1. Compassionate 2. Self-interested 3. Nasty, aggressive, brutish

Each of these views of human nature are “promoted’ in various moral and political theories. For simplicity, let’s say, the Dalai Lama is promoting the first. Democratic theorists such as John Locke and John Stuart Mill promote the second and monarchists such as Thomas Hobbes promote the third. It’s important to understand that each theory can be supported by “observations” made of human behavior. Furthermore, each theorist would have a bias toward a particular view. Beginning with Hobbes who was ultimately promoting fear to protect the monarchy, it’s beneficial for the THEORY to set forth a premise of human nature as nasty, aggressive and brutish (this from the Thomas Hobbes Leviathan). Similarly, the less pessimistic/practical view of human nature as self-interested. A little less obvious, the general idea is that there’s no need for a dictator or monarch to rule over all because humans are generally cooperative with each other – not because they are compassionate but rather because it’s in their best interest to be so. The argument goes something like this: If I’m aggressive toward you, your family and/or your things, then you are justified in being aggressive toward me. Therefore, it’s in my best interest to get along, cooperate, etc.so that you in turn cooperate with me. Notice this has nothing to do with kindness or compassion, it’s simply practical to get along.

So, here we have a choice to make. Which view of human nature do we think makes the most sense? For the longest time, I have to say, the self-interest view made a lot of sense to me. In many ways it still does. But if we use that rational behind this idea – it’s in my “best interest to cooperative” we could also extend this rational to the first view – it’s in my best interest to be kind and compassionate to others because I’d like them to be kind and compassionate toward me. The difference – the big difference – is that for some of us, being compassionate on a regular basis just isn’t that easy. It takes practice. Thus, remember my first entry on the meditation.

Admittedly, I tried this meditation and it still wasn’t easy. I began by thinking of the person who I know is suffering right now and while I was feeling compassion toward her, I also got annoyed with the situation she is in which is causing her suffering. It wasn’t easy to simply focus on compassion for her. I guess this is because I’m a newbie. And I’ve vowed to do the same meditation about the same person until I get it right.

The turning toward happiness as a valid goal and the conscious decision to seek happiness in a systematic manner can profoundly change the rest of our lives.

So here we are at a point in which we notice that seeking happiness has quite a lot to do with engagement with others. Happiness is not going to be a solitary life. The Dalai Lama, although a monk, has a lot of opportunities to engage with others. Cutler asked him if he ever gets lonely and he quickly said no. Cutler asked him how others can avoid loneliness (given that it’s such a pervasive problem addressed in the field of psychology and haven’t we all felt that at some point? I know I sure was lonely during covid). His answer: no matter whom he is approaching (friend or stranger) he assumes a positive attitude toward this person – perhaps one might say giving all the benefit of the doubt – as well as compassion and kindness. This gets a response in kind as well as a feeling of connectedness and openness.

But what about those other relationships that you don’t have – a significant other, children Cutler asked. Doesn’t not having these make you feel lonely? And of course the answer was still no. Here, the Dalai Lama introduced four versions/definitions/ways to view intimacy. 1. Physical 2. Desire to share one’s innermost self with another 3. Experience of connectivity 4. Romantic vs. friendship.

If we seek a life of happiness, intimacy will be a big part of that. And, the form of intimacy he’s focused on is that with a maximum amount of connectivity , a willingness to open ourselves to many others, including family, friends, strangers – and forming genuine and deep bonds based on our common humanity. (p. 84)

I want to point out within this section there’s a lot of discussion about the fleetingness of physical attraction and romance in a relationship. This is often the cause of one’s loneliness – when the “honeymoon is over” or when one feels the other doesn’t love them the way they used to, etc. It seems the reliance on any one person for our happiness just isn’t a good idea – nor then would reliance on a small group – like our family. When our kids are growing up, we spend a lot of time and energy focusing on their well-being, their success, etc. Then when they are gone – when the fly the coop – we are often left with a very empty – lonely feeling. I think the solution is to expand the circle but NOT in a superficial way. Experiencing connectedness with more positive encounters daily could really combat one’s feeling of loneliness. Loneliness is definitely a form of suffering for many. So eliminating this is part of the path to happiness.

Are you feeling lonely right now? I bet you can reach out to someone who really cares about you and let them know. Do you know someone who’s been feeling lonely? Well, you know what to do 🙂

More again soon.

Affectionately, Trish